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August 6, 2003 - August 12, 2003 | Issue 39•30

Everything On Menu So Tempting

CHILLICOTHE, OH—Absolutely everything—everything—on the Cedar Tree Family Restaurant menu is so tempting that diners are going to be hard-pressed to stay on their diets, customers...

Former President Carter To Be Tried For Peace Crimes

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News

GENEVA—Legal proceedings against the former U.S. president for alleged crimes against inhumanity began Monday. more»
Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News

CAPE MAY, NJ—Steven Woods, a claims adjuster with Midland Insurance and coach of the Midland Maniacs fantasy basketball team, announced Monday that... more»
Nation's Toddlers Critically Under-Photographed, Says U.S. Aunt Coalition

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a desire to more closely monitor the growth of U.S. nieces and nephews, the National Coalition of Aunts denounced the severe... more»
Gary Busey Nearly Drowns Recovering Pork Chop From Swimming Pool

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Actor Gary Busey was flown from his Malibu home to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after he nearly drowned trying to retrieve a pork chop... more»
Drug Deal Goes Great

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Brief

MIAMI—An exchange of five grams of cocaine for an undisclosed amount of cash "went off without a hitch" in Bayfront Park Monday night. "When I went... more»
Vice President Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to the buzz around the office, Hank, the Vice-President Of Making Your Job Harder, received a sizable raise Tuesday. "Goddamn... more»
Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Brief

SANDPOINT, ID—Seated on the edge of his bed, Carl Thompson, 38, paused for 20 minutes with one sock on his foot and the other in his hand Tuesday.... more»
Milkshake Almost Ruined By Breakup

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Local woman Janice Garnecki's blueberry milkshake was nearly ruined Tuesday when boyfriend Timothy Stover announced he was ending... more»
Loser Can't Even Get Wife Pregnant

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Brief

MARSHFIELD, WI—After three years of trying, pathetic loser Ron Dreschel can't even get his wife Marisa pregnant, sources at the Marshfield Clinic... more»
Cheney Regrets Buying Bush Laser Pointer

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Photos

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Fridge Magnet A Constant Reminder Of Arizona's Existence

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | News In Photos
Get Ready, Folks, 'Cause This Is The Greatest Late-To-Work Excuse You've Ever Heard

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | Commentary

Okay, people. You are not going to believe why I'm late today. Sheila? Come on in here. Sorry about this, but you gotta get in here. Shondra?... more»
I'm Sorry, But I Only Date Men My Friends Are Afraid Might Kill Me

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | Commentary

Listen, Doug, you seem like a really nice guy. You're even kind of cute, in a well-adjusted sort of way. All in all, you seem really harmless, and... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | Horoscopes

You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of... more»
The Davis Recall

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | Infographic

California Gov. Gray Davis faces a recall election Oct. 7. What are the voters' complaints? more»
Why Did We Enter Law Enforcement/Teaching?

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | Statshot
Embattled Liberia

issue 3930 | 08.06.03 | What Do You Think?

The Bush administration is still unsure what role the U.S. military should play in war-ravaged Liberia. What do you think? more»