Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 13, 2003 - August 19, 2003 | Issue 39•31

Prisoner Claims Cell Block D Was Much Cooler Two Years Ago

JOLIET, IL—Citing an increase in "leg humpers and peter-gazing diddlers," Joliet Corrections Center inmate Joseph J. Romans told reporters Monday that Cell Block D is not as cool...

Confused Americans Seek Steady No. 1 At Box Office

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | News

LOS ANGELES—Unsettled by U.S. military action abroad and economic struggles at home, Americans say they are desperate for the stability of an... more»
Humanitarian Aid Check Blown Before It Arrives

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | News

LILONGWE, MALAWI—A much-needed humanitarian aid check from the United Nations to Malawi was "totally blown" by the beleaguered Southern African... more»
Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | News

SALEM, OR—The Alan Guttmacher Institute released a report Friday that showed a dramatic increase in teen sexual activity, a finding that surprised... more»
News Anchor Wonders Where All These Great Stories Come From

issue 3931 | 08.14.03 | News In Brief

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Midway through a story about new evidence in an unsolved area homicide, KTVX news anchor John Reesen wondered aloud where all... more»
Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down

issue 3931 | 08.14.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Republicans in the House of Representatives proposed H.R. 2093: the Economic Equality Initiative, with the express purpose of... more»
Avid Fisherman Forever Ruins Fishing For Son

issue 3931 | 08.14.03 | News In Brief

MANKATO, MN—Thanks to his nitpicking, impatience, and insistence on absolute silence in the boat, avid angler Don Gillespie, 41, forever ruined... more»
Last Great Party Of Life To Result In First Child

issue 3931 | 08.14.03 | News In Brief

LAKE CHARLES, LA—Unbeknownst to him, 27-year-old Ron DuPree attended the last great party of his life Saturday, as a 3 a.m. coupling with... more»
Hussein Family Can't Bear To Throw Out Uday's Favorite Nutsack Shocker

issue 3931 | 08.14.03 | News In Brief

AWJA, IRAQ—Relatives, sorting through boxes at Uday Hussein's home Tuesday, couldn't bear to discard one of the deceased tyrant's favorite... more»
Asimo Tricked Into Falling Down Stairs

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | News In Photos

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Gummy Bears Born Conjoined

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | News In Photos
This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | Commentary

When I was 18 or so, I used to watch Ricki Lake on Channel 9 every afternoon. During the commercial breaks, I always saw ads for the DeVry Institute... more»
You Gotta Be Careful With Fireworks

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. You all right? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been in constant motion, dodging all the crap life's been... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 13, 2003

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | Horoscopes

Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together. more»
Internet Social Networks

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | Infographic

Friend-matching web sites like Friendster.com are gaining in popularity. What's the appeal? more»
Daddy, Where Are You Going?

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | Statshot
The First Gay Bishop

issue 3931 | 08.13.03 | What Do You Think?

The Rev. V. Gene Robinson recently won confirmation as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, prompting protests and walk-outs. What do... more»