Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 20, 2003 - August 26, 2003 | Issue 39•32

Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life

LITCHFIELD PARK, AZ—Since reading The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies last month, 6-year-old Melody Johnson has lived a changed life, the above-average reader reported Monday. "The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies is my favoritest book ever," said Johnson, hugging the dog-eared book to her che...

The California Recall Candidates: A Focus On The 87 Front-Runners

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News
U.N. Factoid-Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News

MONROVIA, LIBERIA—A U.N. factoid-finding team sent to war-ravaged Liberia discovered it is roughly the size of Tennessee. more»
Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News

PORTAGE, WI—Local resident Stacy Nielsen takes great pride in her deep, dark, horrible suntan, the 28-year-old sales associate revealed Tuesday. more»
Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News In Brief

OAKLAND, CA—Ben Patton, arrested Monday, said he was angry that a passerby reported him to the police. "I'm minding my own fucking business,... more»
Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News In Brief

ABERDEEN, WA—Volunteers at the Helping Heart Crisis Hotline announced Tuesday that Candice Knoff, 25, is on the phone with her attention-starved... more»
Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—When Yolanda Franks expressed concern that friend Becky O'Neill couldn't remember the second half of an apartment-warming party... more»
Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News In Brief

HEAVEN—Recently deceased entertainer Bob Hope announced Monday that he was happy to be reunited with the millions of U.S. troops currently... more»
Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with... more»
Skywriter Leaves Suicide Note

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News In Photos

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Heroic Pants Enter 19th Day Of Continuous Duty

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | News In Photos
I Have An iPod–In My Mind

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | Commentary

I'm sure you've seen a lot of tech-savvy people smugly showing off that new hunk of entertainment hardware, the iPod personal stereo. Well, I might... more»
I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | Commentary

So, you're all going out tonight after work for a few drinks at the bar down the street? Well, thanks for the invite, but no, thanks. Fraternization... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | Horoscopes

Your threats to the other bar-goers would have seemed a lot more frightening if your Vespa hadn't stalled while you were trying to race away. more»
Gay TV

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | Infographic

Gay-themed television series like Bravo's Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and Boy Meets Boy are popular with mainstream audiences.... more»
Top Regional Restaurant Chains

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | Statshot
Canadian Prescription Drugs

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | What Do You Think?

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think? more»
Public Speaking Tips

issue 3932 | 08.20.03 | Tips

Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience. more»