Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 27, 2003 - September 2, 2003 | Issue 39•33

Horrified Teen Stumbles Upon Divorced Mom's Personal Ad

NEWTON, MA—Derek Friedman, 16, was "shocked and disgusted" Tuesday, when he discovered a personal ad posted by his mother Susan on the popular online dating service Match.com. Friedman, a junior at the Commonwealth School in Cambridge...

No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News

GERLACH, NV—The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert... more»
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News

UPTON, ME—Thanks to recent budget cuts, Dr. Edward Mortis' positronic raygun may never be completed. more»
Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News

PHILADELPHIA—Chrissie Bellisle admitted that infusing garbage items with recognizable racial traits—while avoiding stereotypes—is difficult. more»
Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL—While walking past a house party on Tripoli Avenue early Sunday morning, Howard Lipner, 20, received a withering look from an... more»
Woman Only Dates On National Television Now

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD—After stints on Temptation Island, The Bachelor, and For Love Or Money, 23-year-old bartender/model Angela Langdon... more»
Son In Iraq Or Something

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News In Brief

VICKSBURG, MS—Fabric-store manager Bonnie Reedner told reporters Monday that her 18-year-old son, Pfc. Matthew Reedner, is "over there, fighting in... more»
Japan Spotted Hovering Over Algeria

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News In Brief

ALGIERS, ALGERIA—Japan continued to vex the world Monday, as numerous eyewitnesses saw the exotic and mysterious Pacific Rim country hovering over... more»
Great Lover Also Great At Slinking Out

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News In Brief

MANITOU SPRINGS, CO—According to a number of area women, the lovemaking abilities of the handsome and gregarious Ken Millagro are matched only by... more»
King Latifah Returns For Wife

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News In Photos
Old El Paso Introduces Emergency Taco Kit

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | News In Photos
Perhaps I've Been A Little Too Tough On Crime

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | Commentary

As district attorney of Grand Rapids, I've got a lot of responsibility. This job keeps me running day and night. But with all the prosecuting and... more»
Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again!

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | Columnists

Item! According to my sources, the Emmys—the Oscars of television—are going to be hosted by no less than seven comedians. Before... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | Horoscopes

You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront. more»
The New Energy Bill

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | Infographic

Congress is reworking legislation that addresses the nation's electricity transmission problems. What's in the new energy plan? more»
With Whom Are We Avoiding Eye Contact?

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | Statshot
The Ten Commandments Ruling

issue 3933 | 08.27.03 | What Do You Think?

State Supreme Court justices recently ordered that a Ten Commandments monument be removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. What do you... more»