Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 3, 2003 - September 9, 2003 | Issue 39•34

New Roommate Has Lots Of Big Redecorating Ideas

LAS CRUCES, NM—Dave Beckman, the newest tenant of a three-bedroom apartment in the Lincoln Crest complex, has offered numerous redecorating tips "to make the place more livable," long-time inhabitants Andrew Kiely and Marcus Linkater said...

'Six Flags Killer' Still At Large, Say Souvenir-Bedecked Police

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News

GURNEE, IL—Police have been looking for clues at every ride, game, snack bar, gift shop, and photo-sticker booth. more»
Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News

TALLAHASSEE, FL—The country formerly known Tanzania lost the use of its name to Tampa-based Tanzania Tanning Salons. more»
Entire Fourth-Grade Class Hates Jeremy Halcote

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News

MUNCIE, IN—The entire fourth-grade class, everyone from Ashley Amberson to Corey Zoellner, hates Jeremy Halcote, sources at John Tyler Elementary... more»
Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News In Brief

IZMIT, TURKEY—Rescuers acknowledged that hope is fading in the search for additional survivors of the massive earthquake that hit the area Tuesday,... more»
Jerky Boys Accidentally Prank-Call Last Remaining Fan

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Infamous crank phone-callers Johnny G. Brennan and Kamal Ahmed, better known as the Jerky Boys, unknowingly pranked 22-year-old videostore... more»
Suburbanite Shocked By Poor Condition Of Urban Mall

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News In Brief

DEER PARK, TX—Forced to pick up a pair of shoes from a Famous Footwear at Sharpstown Mall in Houston Monday, stay-at-home mother Linda Hendrikson,... more»
State Appoints Obviously Hungover Attorney

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—The State of Indiana appointed a nauseated Bill Fenniman, Esq., as legal counsel to suspected arsonist Tom Shilue Monday. "I... more»
Hog Executed Farmland Style

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News In Brief

GRUNDY CENTER, IA—Police are investigating the vicious farmland slaying of a prize hog whose methodically gutted corpse was discovered Tuesday in... more»
Bird’s Nest 65 Percent Cigarette Butts

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News In Photos
Local Band Finds Great Photo For Flier

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | News In Photos
Living Out Of Your Car Is A Dying Art

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | Commentary

In the past 20 years, I've lived in nine different homes and 14 different cities. No, I'm not some fancy millionaire who jets around from place to... more»
I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics'

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | Columnists

I've been called many unfair names in my day, Grygor, but I never imagined that someone I consider a friend would label me an "onanist" before the... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | Horoscopes

A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs. more»
The Shuttle Columbia Report

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | Infographic

Last week's report by the Columbia Accident Investigation Board contained recommendations to improve the safety of future NASA missions. Among the... more»
How Are We Organizing The Closet?

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | Statshot
High U.S. Incarceration Rates

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | What Do You Think?

The Justice Department reports that one in every 37 U.S. adults has been in prison, giving our nation the highest incarceration rate in the world.... more»
America's Best Zoo Exhibits

issue 3934 | 09.03.03 | Tips

A trip to the zoo is fun and education for the entire family. Here's a list of the top-rated animal exhibits around the country: more»