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September 10, 2003 - September 16, 2003 | Issue 39•35

Take-Charge, Can-Do Guy Makes Horrible Decisions

BOSTON—Matthew Stuart, an enthusiastic 33-year-old junior executive at Boston Tea Market, Inc., gets things done quickly, confidently, and terribly, sources at the tea supplier said Monday. ..

Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades of antagonism between the two global powers, the U.S. has officially severed relations with Them, Bush administration... more»
FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that, due to logistical complications and a lack of interest among participants,... more»
Impending Mortality Influences Area Senior's Purchasing Habits

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News

INDEPENDENCE, MO—Grace Hoagland's purchasing habits are increasingly influenced by her sense of impending mortality, sources close to the... more»
45-Year-Old Fails To Make Someone Very Happy One Day

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News In Brief

NEW MEADOWS, ID—In spite of predictions to the contrary, Larry Naering, a 45-year-old research scientist, has failed to make someone very happy one... more»
New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News In Brief

BUCKLIN, KS—The arrival of a royal-blue Global Armless Task Chair at Allstate Insurance Monday marked an extremely mundane "dream come true" for... more»
Woman Assures You She's Not Mad

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News In Brief

CASPER, WY—Your girlfriend of four months, University Xerox employee Rebecca Kohler, assured you Monday that she was "not mad" about being unable... more»
Obituary Cites Teen's Love Of Music, Cars

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—Patrick Pryde, beloved 17-year-old son of Charles and Elizabeth, loved music and cars, the Phoenix Gazette reported on page D-18... more»
White House Denied Third Mortgage

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recent budget concerns, President and Mrs. Bush attempted to take out a third mortgage on the White House Monday, but... more»
Sweatshop Laborer's Child Loves Her Irregular Finding Nemo Sweatshirt

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News In Photos
Drug-Sniffing Dog Develops Taste For Bit-O-Honeys

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | News In Photos
Well, Well, Well–If It Isn't A Family-Owned Retailer

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | Commentary

Well, well, well—lookee here. If it isn't a small, family-owned retailer. How quaint. more»
Daddy H. Day Care

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | Columnists

Yo, this is foe tha day-care peeps who tend to mah shortie, Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 10, 2003

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | Horoscopes

You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero. more»
Back-To-School Supplies

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | Infographic

Schools are back in session across the country. What supplies are teachers recommending students bring? more»
Who's Dad Good At Imitating?

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | Statshot
U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

issue 3935 | 09.10.03 | What Do You Think?

In a U.N. resolution last week, the U.S. sought troops and money from all nations to aide in Iraq's postwar reconstruction. What do you think? more»