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September 24, 2003 - September 30, 2003 | Issue 39•37

Idaville Detective 'Encyclopedia' Brown Found Dead In Library Dumpster

IDAVILLE, FL—Police are currently investigating the death of police detective Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown, 49, whose body was discovered in a Dumpster behind the Idaville Public Library Monday. "Detective Brown's death is a great loss," said Idaville Police Commissioner Rupert "Bugs" Meany, a longtime critic of Brown's unorthodox investigative technique who nevertheless appeared to be shaken by the murder. "Thanks to h...

U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline federal financial holdings and spur growth, Treasury Secretary John Snow announced Monday that the... more»
Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News

OTTAWA—The two nations urged the international community to forget about this whole thing as quickly as possible. more»
Actress Excited To Land Eating-Disorder Ad

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News

NEW YORK—Actress Bianca Astor, 22, was excited to be cast in the role of a woman who suffers from anorexia nervosa for a filmed public-service... more»
Double-Entendre Doesn't Stand Up To Scrutiny

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—Though the risqué comment provoked giggles from coworkers, a double-entendre made by Natural Land Foods cashier Don Mallard Monday... more»
Tenants Forced To Clean Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News In Brief

BILLINGS, MT—The three roommates residing at 320 Sycamore Ave. #4 were forced to thoroughly clean up their living space before they could inform... more»
U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News In Brief

LUXEMBOURG VILLE, LUXEMBOURG—In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the... more»
Area Woman Can't Bring Herself To Pardon Store's Appearance

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News In Brief

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Despite the prominent sign posted outside a Nordstrom department store asking shoppers to "Pardon Our Appearance," Gina Calvert,... more»
Church, State Joyfully Reunite After 230-Year Trial Separation

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a two-and-a-quarter-century-long trial separation, Church and State reunited in the U.S. Department of Justice press room... more»
Wildfire Somehow Rages Back Into Control

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News In Photos
25-Pound Ham Wedged In Parents' Refrigerator

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | News In Photos
I Assume My Reputation For Arrogant Presumption Precedes Me

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | Commentary

Okay, everyone, I'd like to begin. We're running rather late because I just showed up. Although I'm aware that you've all been standing around... more»
Personal Magnet-ism

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | Columnists

What do the following things have in common: a witch on a broomstick, a smiling carrot, a pig wearing a chef's hat, Tweety Bird, a vase of violets, a... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | Horoscopes

You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain. more»
Ben And J-Lo Break Up

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | Infographic

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are rumored to have split. What are the reasons? more»
Why Are We So late?

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | Statshot
Should Arafat Be Removed?

issue 3937 | 09.24.03 | What Do You Think?

Many see Palestinian President Yasser Arafat as a roadblock to Mideast peace. What do you think? more»