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October 1, 2003 - October 7, 2003 | Issue 39•38

Mournful Irish Flute Used In Documentary About Loss Of Senior Lounge

GREENWICH, CT—In a documentary that the Greenwich High School Gazette called "daring and evocative," 17-year-old director Brad Harrison used a plaintive Irish-flute melody to underscore what he described as the...

48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News

BOSTON—An Internet worm that disabled networks across the U.S. Monday and Tuesday temporarily thrust the nation into its most severe maelstrom of... more»
85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—85 percent of Americans strongly believe that the American people no longer strongly believe that Bush is performing effectively. more»
Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News

ATHENS, GA—The inevitable breakup of Henry Loemer and Frieda Jaynes, which occurred publicly on Sept. 25, left almost a dozen local residents... more»
Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News In Brief

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a... more»
Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News In Brief

HOUSTON, TX—Associate vice-president Barry Ackerman has been struggling to determine exactly what West Texas Bank CEO William J. Holloway wants to... more»
Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News In Brief

LOUISVILLE, KY—Just Sunglasses employee Eric Thorp intrigued coworkers Monday with his ingenious plan to live in a storage-facility unit. "The rent... more»
Regular Citizen Heroically Enforces Park's 'No Glass Containers' Rule

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News In Brief

LINCOLN, NE—Courageous citizen Gail Wendell went above and beyond the call of civilian duty when she enforced Irvingdale Park's "no glass... more»
Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Two months after he announced his candidacy for the California gubernatorial recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running out of... more»
Cheney Suspects Bush Listening In On Other Phone

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News In Photos
More Cats Made

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | News In Photos
Pizza Hut Doesn't Know What It's Missing

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | Commentary

You know what? I don't care if they don't think I'm right for the job. I went in there and put my best foot forward. I said I was excited about... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2003

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | Horoscopes

Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident. more»
The NYSE Overhaul

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | Infographic

In the wake of the forced resignation of chairman Richard Grasso, the New York Stock Exchange plans to make major reforms. Among the changes: more»
What Are We Refusing To Buy For Our Children?

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | Statshot
Iran's Nuclear Program

issue 3938 | 10.01.03 | What Do You Think?

Iran faces an Oct. 31 U.N. deadline to prove that it has no secret atomic-weapons program. What do you think? more»