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October 8, 2003 - October 14, 2003 | Issue 39•39

Area Man Institutes T-Shirt Purchase Freeze

PORTLAND, OR—While standing in front of his open closet, Ken Ciszek announced Tuesday that he is instituting a T-shirt purchasing freeze until further notice. ..

Celine Dion Secluded In Lab Developing New Perfume

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News

Las Vegas—Sequestered in her private lab, Celine Dion demands that she not be disturbed until she perfects her next scent. more»
IBM Emancipates 8,000 Wage Slaves

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News

ARMONK, NY—In a move hailed by corporation owners as a forward-thinking humanitarian gesture, IBM emancipated more than 8,000 wage slaves from its... more»
Teens 'Going To Town' With Restaurant Comment Cards

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Three teens eating at the North Henderson Street Country Kitchen diner "really went to town" with the restaurant's comment... more»
Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News In Brief

GREAT FALLS, MT—Amanda Manis was dumped Monday after forwarding boyfriend Anthony Madrid a link for the humor web site LunaticLobsters.com. "I was... more»
8 Simple Rules Laugh Track Replaced With Somber String Arrangement

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—ABC announced plans Monday to replace the laugh track of 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter with a somber string... more»
Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin''

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The government agency responsible for enforcing broadcast-decency laws can do nothing to stop rampant use of the word "friggin',"... more»
Bartender Refuses To Acknowledge Patron's Regular Status

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News In Brief

DAYTON, OH—Hurley's Pub bartender Don O'Hagan once again refused to acknowledge Henry Wells' status as a regular patron, the disappointed customer... more»
Thank-You Note Passive-Aggressive

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News In Brief

LEWISTON, ME—According to Nancy Britt, a card she received Monday from friend Colleen Merissee, 46, resembled a thank-you note, but subtly... more»
Gorillagram Employee Shot By White House Security

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News In Photos
Chaps Unnecessary

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | News In Photos
Parrot Care Is Actually Quite Time-Consuming

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | Commentary

Ahoy thar, mateys! I see ye be gazin' upon me parrot Isabelle. Quite a keen fair lass, she be! Aye, but mark well me words: Thar be quite a lot o'... more»
Please Don't Be Mad

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | Columnists

Please don't be upset, baby. more»
Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | Horoscopes

You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you. more»
$87 Billion For Iraq

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | Infographic

The White House has requested $87 billion to help rebuild Iraq. How would the money be used? more»
What Do We Regret?

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | Statshot
CIA Leak Probed

issue 3939 | 10.08.03 | What Do You Think?

The FBI has launched an investigation into whether White House officials leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer. What do you think? more»