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November 5, 2003 - November 11, 2003 | Issue 39•43

Children Wait Patiently For Heavily Fortified Tree House To Be Attacked

ORLAND PARK, IL—For the third uneventful day in a row, members of the Poison Ninjas Club awaited the invasion of their tree house, sources in the backyard of 1740 Sumac Road reported...

Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham said it feels like he's mentioned his "mostly softcore" film work to everyone. more»
Family Unsure What To Do With Dead Hipster's Possessions

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News

LOUISVILLE, KY—Five weeks after the death of her 26-year-old hipster son Kent, Enid Lowery announced that the family faces a difficult task in... more»
Americans Demand Increased Governmental Protection From Selves

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News

NEW YORK—Alarmed by their consistently unhealthy choices, Americans are calling for legislation that will protect them from their own behavior. more»
Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News In Brief

SHREWSBURY, WV—A bunch of local, piss-ant, hick nobodies filed a lawsuit against the Allegheny Electric Cooperative Monday, alleging that the... more»
Teen Admits Parents Were Right About Fred Durst

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—17-year-old Jeremy Kempf reluctantly acknowledged that parents Judith and Harvey were right about Limp Bizkit lead singer Fred Durst... more»
Undercover Agents Talking To Each Other In 'Under 12' Chatroom

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to weed out pedophiles, two FBI agents, identified only as "Cutiepie1994" and "KoalaLover," unknowingly communicated... more»
Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News In Brief

BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to Jeffrey Duncan, 43, his friend Ronald Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader... more»
Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News In Brief

McALLEN, TX—Thanks to the intervention of White House political advisor Karl Rove, McAllen East Middle School elected a Republican student body... more»
Ladykiller Gets Life Sentence

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News In Photos
Cheerleader Given A 'D'

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | News In Photos
There Are Going To Be Some Pointless Changes Around This Office

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | Commentary

All right, everyone, listen up. I have some announcements to make, and they affect all of you. I know that you received the e-mail I sent out, in... more»
Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | Columnists

Item! If you're like me, you're more than a little dismayed by the cinematic bloodbath at your local multiplex right now. There are chopped... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | Horoscopes

Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep. more»
The California Wildfires

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | Infographic

Wildfires have ravaged Southern California. How are citizens responding? more»
Worst U.S. Jobs, 2049

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | Statshot
Unrest In Iraq

issue 3943 | 11.05.03 | What Do You Think?

Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think? more»