Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 19, 2003 - November 25, 2003 | Issue 39•45

Working Man Proud Of Job He Hates

JANESVILLE, WI—Eagle Cooling employee Brent Festge takes pride in the semi-skilled, blue-collar job he loathes, the 39-year-old solderer reported during his lunch break Tuesday. "I'm real proud to be doing something you don't see in Ameri...

Palestine Appoints New Minister Of Rubble And Urban Development

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—After weeks of political infighting, Palestinian Prime Minister Ahmed Qureia announced the appointment of Hassan Al-Katif as... more»
Media Criticized For Biased Hometown Sports Reporting

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News

ALBANY, NY—Members of the national media watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting released a 255-page report Monday criticizing the... more»
Sorta-Attractive Girl Half-Heartedly Hit On

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News

COOL SPRINGS, TN—During a weekend house party characterized as "okay," paint-store employee Peter Elsing, 24, mustered up just enough interest... more»
House Of Representatives Magically Switches Bodies With Senate

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the Senate and the House of Representatives were magically transposed Tuesday, in an event Senate Majority Leader Bill... more»
Enraged Man Unable To Break TV

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News In Brief

SHREVEPORT, LA—Enraged after seeing his ex-wife in a local commercial, area resident Bill Schwartz, 48, threw a potentially destructive tantrum... more»
Donut Shop's Mission Statement Awfully Ambitious

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News In Brief

FREEHOLD, NJ—Patrons at Dotty's Donuts on Cranston Avenue agree that the mission statement posted near the shop's entrance seems overly ambitious.... more»
22-Year-Old Fuck Complains Of Age Discrimination

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News In Brief

SAN MIGUEL, CA—Passed over for a promotion at Barton Financial Services, little 22-year-old fuck Darren Meeker filed a lawsuit against the company... more»
African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News In Brief

NAIROBI, KENYA—Kenyan President Emilio Mwai Kibaki said Monday that his country continues to enjoy excellent diplomatic relations with former U.S.... more»
Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News In Photos
David Blaine Starves Self Of Attention For 33 Days

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | News In Photos
I Have To Admit: I Love The Nuts

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | Commentary

I'm a squirrel on the go. I've got trees to climb and streets to cross. If anybody asks what keeps me going when squirrel duties pile up, I got one... more»
Ghosts Of Situations Past

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | Columnists

If you Jeanketeers think I sit on a chaise lounge eating bonbons all day, you'll be surprised to learn that I applied for, and got, a part-time job... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2003

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | Horoscopes

You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up. more»
Immigrant Workers Vs. Wal-Mart

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | Infographic

Hundreds of undocumented immigrants have filed a discrimination and exploitation lawsuit against Wal-Mart. What are the workers' complaints? more»
What's Under Our Leaf Pile?

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | Statshot
Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

issue 3945 | 11.19.03 | What Do You Think?

The Bush Administration announced that it hopes to speed up the transition to self-government in Iraq. What do you think? more»