Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 3, 2003 - December 9, 2003 | Issue 39•47

College Freshman Cycles Rapidly Through Identities

LAWRENCE, KS—Since starting college at the University of Kansas in the fall, freshman Kirk Vanderkamp has been cycling through personal identities at a breakneck pace, Hamilton Hall sources reported Monday. ..

Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Since it began in May, the Bush 2004 re-election campaign has been responsible for creating thousands of new jobs, officials... more»
New Alternate-Reality Series Puts 12 Strangers On Island Where South Won Civil War

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News

LOS ANGELES—CBS executives announced Monday that they have begun filming Antebellum Island, a new "alternate reality" series in which 12... more»
Trial Separation Works Out Great

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Both Marlene and Paul Hirsh reported Monday that the first four weeks of their trial separation have gone surprisingly well. more»
Man Born To Party Dies Partying

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Loading-dock worker Randy Scharf, 25, who often described himself as "born to party," died while partying, his aggrieved friends announced... more»
Rookie Trucker Always On CB To Mother

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News In Brief

LUBBOCK, TX—Two weeks into his new job driving an 18-wheeler for the Harper Red Line, trucker Billy Ray Coogan, 23, still talks frequently with his... more»
Senate Votes 64-36, Not Sure On What

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate voted 64-36 in favor of S. 546 Monday, despite the lack of any awareness of the bill's contents. "Wait a minute—S.... more»
Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News In Brief

ANSLEY, NE—Nearly 450 of Ansley's 590 residents gathered in the town square Monday morning to dedicate a statue of the late sculptor Robert Kett,... more»
Alan Colmes Loses Argument With Nephew

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Alan Colmes, the liberal co-host of the Fox News debate program Hannity & Colmes, lost an argument to his nephew Bryan while... more»
New York's Finest Protect New York's Richest

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News In Photos
Novelty Alarm Clock Not So Funny At 7 a.m.

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | News In Photos
No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | Commentary

What? Now you've opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too? Give me a break, Matt. You're just saying... more»
I Need To Have A Sexy Back Now, Too?

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | Commentary

Goddamn it. Just when I thought I was finally getting caught up. more»
Horoscope for the week of December 3, 2003

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | Horoscopes

You're thankful that the firefighters saved your life, but you don't see why their report had to note that you were "sitting around the... more»
The Clean Air Act

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | Infographic

More than a dozen state governments are protesting an Environmental Protection Agency measure to loosen Clean Air Act regulations. What changes does... more»
What Are We Looking Up In The Encyclopedia?

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | Statshot
THG And The NFL

issue 3947 | 12.03.03 | What Do You Think?

A string of scandals has prompted the NFL to impose stricter testing standards for performance-enhancing drugs, especially the steroid THG. What do... more»