Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 10, 2003 - December 16, 2003 | Issue 39•48

Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks

OCONOMOWOC, WI—Substitute teacher Pamela Krafft totally freaked during third period, freshman-class sources at August Derleth Memorial High School reported at lunch Tuesday. ..

Clinton Googles Self

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | News

NEW YORK—Bill Clinton had no idea a search for his name would yield 2,790,000 results. more»
Report: Poor People Pretty Much Fucked

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | News

WASHINGTON—According to the results of an intensive two-year study, Americans living below the poverty line are "pretty much fucked," Center... more»
CEO's Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | News

GROSSE POINTE, MI—The Reinhardt's groundskeeper Jorge offered wife Melanie a very attractive package. more»
Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production

issue 3948 | 12.11.03 | News In Brief

SAGINAW, MI—With the holiday season in full swing, the St. John's Lutheran Church Annual Christmas Pageant went into pre-production Monday. "We... more»
Stick Shift Bragged About

issue 3948 | 12.11.03 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Sources say Gary Baumgarten, an accountant in the bursar's office at Barnard College, introduced his stick shift into the conversation... more»
Baby Boring

issue 3948 | 12.11.03 | News In Brief

TAMARAC, FL—Michelle, the three-week-old daughter of area residents Sue and Allen McKay, is "unbelievably boring," sources close to the couple said... more»
Drunken Episode A Repeat

issue 3948 | 12.11.03 | News In Brief

PARMA, OH—Sunday's episode involving drunken house-party guest Philip Welz was a repeat, guests reported. "I couldn't bear to watch it again,"... more»
Neurosurgeon Heckled From Observation Deck

issue 3948 | 12.11.03 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—Dr. Martin Kenneth Rinjipur, a neurosurgeon at Methodist Hospital, was heckled from the observation deck Monday after removing a cancerous... more»
Chicago Out Of Names For Subdivisions

issue 3948 | 12.11.03 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—According to city planners, Chicago has run out of new names for its subdivisions. "It was bound to happen sooner or later," Chicago Mayor... more»
Only Two Segways In Town Collide

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | News In Photos

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Cast-Off Paris Hilton Skin Found In Upper West Side Park

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | News In Photos
Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | Commentary

Hey, guys, it's your old pal Luzhninczy. Remember, from Vladisnostok? I hope this finds you well. And that no one else finds you—ha ha! But... more»
I Never Shoulda Left The House

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had my nuts in a twist for a while. I still got the job driving the bus for... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | Horoscopes

There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel... more»
Stopping Spam

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | Infographic

The Can Spam Act could be signed into law as early as next month. How does Congress plan to reduce unwanted commercial emails? more»
What Are We Doing Before Our First Date?

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | Statshot
The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

issue 3948 | 12.10.03 | What Do You Think?

AIDS in the Third World, particularly Africa, is an ever-growing problem. What do you think? more»