Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 14, 2004 - January 20, 2004 | Issue 40•02

Angolan Temp Agency Teeming With Mercenaries

LUANDA, ANGOLA—Operators of Keliba Temporary Services of Angola announced Monday that they have been swamped with unemployed citizens seeking temporary mercenary work. ..

U.S. To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91, Let Free-Market Capitalism Do The Rest

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—At a Monday press conference, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced a "change of plans" for the $87.5 billion aid... more»
Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News

JACKSON, WY—A simple typographical error in a proposal to set aside a scenic Big Horn Mountain valley for public recreation has resulted in the... more»
Short-Distance Relationship Too Much Work

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News

GASTONIA, NC—After four months together, sales manager Jack Petrakis, 29, and paralegal Justine Froeger, 26, reported Tuesday that dating someone... more»
First-Generation American's Job Taken By His Father

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News In Brief

READING, PA—Miguel Martinez, 48, who immigrated to the U.S. 30 years ago, last week lost his leather-cutting job at GST AutoLeather, Inc. to his... more»
McDonald's Introduces McCrazy Burger

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News In Brief

OAK BROOK, IL—Responding to an over-abundance of low-cost beef, McDonald's unveiled the new five-patty McCrazy Burger Tuesday. "A pound and a half... more»
Feedback Taking Too Long To Be Positive

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Aspiring screenwriter Stephen Helfer, 26, expressed concern Monday that feedback from friend Jason Novak regarding his screenplay... more»
Grandmother Can't Believe They Let People With Tattoos On Price Is Right

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News In Brief

GREAT BEND, KS—Grandmother of nine Sadie Grunfelder, 71, expressed surprise Tuesday when a tattooed contestant was allowed to play "Buy Or Sell" on... more»
Iran Moves To Ban Events Of Mass Destruction

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News In Brief

TEHRAN, IRAN—After years of refusing to provide information about the country's underground activities, Iranian president Mohammad Khatami... more»
Fran Drescher Screeches Out For Cancer Awareness

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News In Photos
Crucifix A Testament To Man's Wealth

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | News In Photos
I'll Have You Know I Have Several Black Friendsters

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | Commentary

Me, prejudiced? Of all the slanderous, hurtful, and untrue things you could say! I may have had a somewhat sheltered upbringing, but I'm extremely... more»
An Entertaining New Year

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | Columnists

Well, 2003 is over. Happy 2004! This is one exciting year for Jackie Harvey. It's a leap year and an election year all rolled into one! What better... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | Horoscopes

You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this... more»
The Mars Rover

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | Infographic

Exploration of Mars has always posed great challenges for NASA. What difficulties do scientists face? more»
What Medical Advice Are We Ignoring?

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | Statshot
Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

issue 4002 | 01.14.04 | What Do You Think?

To improve national security, last week the U.S. began fingerprinting and photographing foreigners arriving at air- and seaports. What do you... more»