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January 21, 2004 - January 27, 2004 | Issue 40•03

Local Chapter Of Rosie's Chub Club Soldiers On

WILMINGTON, DE—It was time for another weekly weigh-in for the four remaining members of the Wilmington chapter of Rosie's Chub Club Monday. Although there was some debate about the accuracy of...

Scientists Abandon AI Project After Seeing The Matrix

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scientists at MIT's Advanced Machine Cognizance Project announced Tuesday that, after seeing the final installment of the... more»
Air Marshal Stuck In Conversation About Passenger's Patio

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News

CHICAGO—American Trans Air Flight 282 from Chicago-Midway to Newark took a turn for the tedious Monday, when undercover air marshal Kirk Gillam was... more»
Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine... more»
Actual Proctor Met At Party

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News In Brief

ROCKFORD, IL—Guests at a cocktail party on Dunstan Avenue were reportedly surprised to meet Conrad Davies, an actual, honest-to-goodness, working... more»
New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Get Back To Work

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Viacom, the global media conglomerate that includes such properties as CBS, Paramount Pictures, MTV, Nickelodeon, UPN, Showtime,... more»
14-Word Diet Stretched To 200 Pages

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News In Brief

BOSTON—The Florida Keys diet, which can be adequately described in 14 words, has been padded into a 204-page book: Losing Weight The Florida... more»
Bush Vows To Discover, Legalize Aliens On American, Martian Soil

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush restated his commitment to the quality and discovery of immigrant and Martian life Monday, calling for increased... more»
Narcissist Mentally Undresses Self

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. project manager and narcissist Brian Knowles undressed himself with his eyes while his secretary delivered the... more»
Disgruntled Liberals Publishing At Furious Pace

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News In Photos
Area Mother Displays Extensive Goya Collection

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | News In Photos
Yee-Haw! My Vote Cancels Out Y'all's!

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | Commentary

Well, damn, man, it's pretty soon gonna be president election time again, and that means we gotta start thinkin' about who's gonna be the one we want... more»
If You Don't Mind, I'd Like To Take A Crack At Salvaging Your Failing Marriage

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | Commentary

I don't mean to pry, Becca, but I couldn't help overhearing you and Jason argue last night. Sound travels really well in this building. Now, I know... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 21, 2004

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | Horoscopes

Although it's true that you have some rudimentary skillz, they are barely enough to pay your long-distance phone service and cable billz. more»
The State Of The Union Address

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | Infographic

President Bush delivered the State Of The Union Address Tuesday. What were his key points? more»
What Are We Pretending To Know?

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | Statshot
Israel's West Bank Wall

issue 4003 | 01.21.04 | What Do You Think?

Amid protest from Palestinians, Israel began construction on a 25-foot-tall protection barrier on the edge of Jerusalem. What do you think? more»