Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 28, 2004 - February 3, 2004 | Issue 40•04

Actress Opens Poorly Conceived Animal Shelter

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—Unwanted and abused dogs, cats, and other animals in Southern California now have a sort-of-friend in actress Alicia Silverstone, who opened the well-intentioned but poorly conceived StoneHaven animal shelter on her seaside estate last November. "Alicia has always cared deeply about the welfare of animals, so this shelter is the realization of a lifel...

Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News

BOSTON—Addressing guests at a $2,000-a-plate fundraiser, George W. Bush pledged Monday that, if re-elected in November, he and running mate Dick... more»
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News

BOULDER—According to a study released Tuesday by the University of Colorado sociology department, approximately 95 percent of self-abuse cases in... more»
Concert Ruined By Guy Enjoying Himself

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News

CHICAGO—Brian Grant, 24, reported that a rock concert he attended at the Empty Bottle Saturday was ruined by 35-year-old music fan Daryl Froemer's... more»
Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News In Brief

MADISON, WI—Graduate student Danny Lindner, 26, reported that he was shocked Monday to see a guy just totally smoking pot right on the street. more»
4 Out Of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate The Death Penalty

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News In Brief

DALLAS—According to a study released Monday by the Texas Dental Association, four out of five dentists in the Lone Star State advocate the use of... more»
College Football Scout Has Eye On High-School Cheerleader

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News In Brief

SYLACAUGA, AL—His eyes trained on the Sylacauga East High School football field during after-school practice, University of Alabama football scout... more»
Area Priest To Get Out Of Priesthood As Soon As Parents Die

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News In Brief

BROCKTON, MA—Father Sean Lonergan, 36, a priest at St. Veronica Catholic Church, told reporters Tuesday that he plans to give up the collar when... more»
Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—White House sources reported Monday that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is the only cabinet member who can figure out how to... more»
Child's Last Steps Captured On Video

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News In Photos
Woman With Amazing Rack Told She Has Beautiful Eyes

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | News In Photos
Enter Tha Office

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | Columnists

Check it out, G's: Lotta shit in this column ain't foe tha eyes a' amateurs. If you a pussy, you best skip ovah this thang an' tune in tha ladiez'... more»
Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | Advice

A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot, appears in more than... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 28, 2004

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | Horoscopes

Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence. more»
Atkins-Friendly Fast Food

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | Infographic

Many fast-food restaurants have introduced low-carb menu items intended to lure Atkins dieters. Among the most popular: more»
Why Are We Paying $4.99 For This Shit?

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | Statshot
Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

issue 4004 | 01.28.04 | What Do You Think?

The inability to find jurors unfamiliar with Martha Stewart has raised concerns that celebrities cannot receive a fair trial. What do you... more»