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February 4, 2004 - February 10, 2004 | Issue 40•05

Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Bank manager Ron Bogen, 29, worked into the wee hours of the morning not writing his speech for the semi-annual Compass Bank Best Practices Conference Tuesday. ..

Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising last-minute upset, all seven Democratic presidential hopefuls somehow lost the Democratic primaries Tuesday. more»
New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News

DETROIT—Drawing motive power from the unbridled temper of drivers, road-rage-fueled cars may change the way Americans drive. more»
Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News

RAPID CITY, SD—Employees at Reynolds Business Machines are dying to tell sales representative Mark Tendulkar that he is about to be fired,... more»
Boy, Dolphin No Longer On Speaking Terms

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News In Brief

KEY WEST, FL—Jimmy O'Dell, 9, and his animal friend Skippy, a bottlenose dolphin, are no longer on speaking terms, the boy said Monday. "I told... more»
Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—The illegal use of Methaqualone is on the rise, Quaalude-addicted AP reporter Keith Jannings said Monday. "Quaaludes fell largely out of... more»
Celebrity Saddened By Death Of Other Celebrity

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News In Brief

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor announced Monday that she was saddened by the death of actress, dancer, and fellow famous... more»
Man Finds Self Back At Porn Store Again

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News In Brief

JASPER, WY—Gregory Steevers, 37, found himself standing in the aisles of the Pleasure Island adult bookstore again Monday. "I was out on a walk... more»
Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News In Brief

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Matthew Luskey's pep talk to Benjamin Lambert, who has struggled emotionally since a split with former girlfriend Ashley Huza,... more»
10th-Grade Class Watches Ben-Hur For Two Weeks

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News In Brief

SALEM, VA—For the eighth straight world-history period, sophomores at Riverside High School watched the 1959 classic Ben-Hur Tuesday. "The... more»
Michael Jackson Hires Magical Anthropomorphic Giraffe As Defense Lawyer

issue 4005 | 02.04.09 | News In Photos
Parent Takes Out $100 Bill In Front Of Wide-Eyed 7-Year-Old

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | News In Photos
I Happened To Be In The Neighborhood And Horny

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | Commentary

Hey, how's it going? I'm sorry, were you sleeping? I guess it's kinda late. I know we haven't seen each other in a long time, but I was in the... more»
I Totally Called Yesterday's Surge In Tech Stocks!

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | Commentary

You all think you're hot shit because you guessed that the dollar would continue to slide against the euro, but answer me this: Who totally called... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | Horoscopes

This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture. more»
The Patriot Act's Problem Parts

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | Infographic

A federal judge in Los Angeles recently struck down a section of the Patriot Act, decalring it unconstitutional. Which parts of the law are under... more»
Top Notes Left By Roomates

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | Statshot
FDA To Ban Ephedra

issue 4005 | 02.04.04 | What Do You Think?

The FDA recently announced that it plans to prohibit sales of products containing ephedra, a stimulant sold primarily for weight loss. What do... more»