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February 18, 2004 - February 24, 2004 | Issue 40•07

Day Job Officially Becomes Job

HILLSBORO, OR—Another human dream was crushed by the uncompromising forces of reality Monday, when the restaurant day job of 29-year-old former aspiring cartoonist Mark Seversen officially became his actual job. ..

Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Osama bin Laden was found hiding deep inside the darkest regions of our souls. more»
Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News

LANCASTER, PA—Democratic frontrunner Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) began a seven-day, eight-state whistle-stop tour Monday, addressing a group of... more»
Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—Area couple Gene Hayter and Amy Peterman spent most of Sunday tenderly helping each other nurse massive hangovers, unaware that... more»
Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years... more»
Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News In Brief

CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on... more»
Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Details of a "hostile" bid by software manufacturer Octagon Corporation are, in fact, fiercely, mind-numbingly dull, sources reported... more»
William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to William Katt said Monday that the Greatest American Hero star has his own name programmed into his TiVo... more»
Iowa Resident Has Opinion Month Too Late

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News In Brief

STORM LAKE, IA—Four weeks after the Iowa Democratic caucus, livestock farmer Darryl Welch, 48, expressed an informed opinion about the... more»
Fox News Problem Solvers In Way Over Their Heads

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News In Photos
Penis Enlargement Pills Tested On Dog

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | News In Photos
Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | Commentary

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own.... more»
I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | Commentary

A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | Horoscopes

Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly. more»
Identity Theft Safeguards

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | Infographic

Identity theft is a growing problem in America. What does the Federal Trade Commission suggest consumers do to protect themselves? more»
What Parts Are We Trying Out For?

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | Statshot
Human Cloning

issue 4007 | 02.18.04 | What Do You Think?

South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think? more»