Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 3, 2004 - March 9, 2004 | Issue 40•09

Foster Mom A Cunt

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Foster parent Laurene Talley is a total cunt who always has to get into everyone else's business, 14-year-old Kristen Wenc reported Monday. "The second I walk in the door, Laurene is on my...

Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Christ said he never should have given Mel Gibson so much creative license over The Passion Of The Christ. more»
Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move intended to dispel criticism over his Vietnam-era military record, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend... more»
New Nietzschean Diet Lets You Eat Whatever You Fear Most

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News

NEW YORK—By conquering your Fear and eating it in Heroic Portions, one can avoid the Eternal Occurrence of weight gain. more»
Kerry Volunteer Gets Some Kerry-Primary Victory Sex

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News In Brief

ST. PAUL, MN—Following U.S. Sen. John Kerry's win in the Minnesota Democratic primary, campaign volunteer Ron Pelles, 24, got a little... more»
Texan Feels Emotionally Empty After Chili Cook-off

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News In Brief

EL PASO, TX—Native Texan and chili chef Jerry Gerber, 41, said he has been suffering a palpable sense of melancholy ever since the 17th Annual... more»
Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite completing all the requirements for a Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing from Stanford University in January, Jeremy... more»
Crank Caller Keeps Jerking Local News Team Around

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News In Brief

PLATTSBURGH, NY—The Channel 5 Action News Team was duped once again by a crank call to the WPTZ breaking-news hotline Monday. "I should have... more»
Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurkey

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—A virulent strain of soy flu has been traced to a single tofurkey at a Bay Area food-processing factory. "An investigation of... more»
Kids In Bus Accident Mocked By Kids In Passing Bus

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News In Photos
Even Business Card Trying Too Hard

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | News In Photos
You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | Commentary

Darling, I love you. You are truly the most amazing woman I'll ever lay my hands on. Could it be true, I ask myself? Is this gorgeous woman actually... more»
As Departmental Manager, I Vow To Learn Each Of Your Names

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | Commentary

Okay, just grab a seat, Karl, and we'll get going. Okay! Good morning, everyone. Thanks for being on time. Just pull up a chair, uh, Tim. Tom? Tom.... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | Horoscopes

You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way. more»
The New CPR

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | Infographic

In a major shift in the emergency care of cardiac arrest, doctors are recommending a simpler form of CPR that eliminates mouth-to-mouth breathing.... more»
Where Are We Traveling To Find Ourselves?

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | Statshot
Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

issue 4009 | 03.03.04 | What Do You Think?

President Bush has ordered the deployment of 200 marines to Port-au-Prince, Haiti as part of an "interim international force" to restore stability in... more»