Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 10, 2004 - March 16, 2004 | Issue 40•10

Cool Dad A Terrible Father

PORTLAND, OR—Terrible father Peter Nesmith is the absolute coolest, neighborhood children reported Monday. "Tommy's dad is so awesome," said David York, 9, a friend of Nesmith's 7-year-old son Thomas. "He's...

Special Report: Cerebral Palsy's Hidden Dark Side

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News
Work Begins On Clinton Presidential DVD Library

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News

LITTLE ROCK, AR—The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential DVD Library is currently under construction, with the opening celebration scheduled... more»
Urban Planner Stuck In Traffic Of Own Design

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News

PITTSBURGH, PA—Bernard Rothstein, an urban planner and traffic-flow modulation specialist with the Urban Redevelopment Authority, found himself... more»
Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Every song on the radio reminds Red Sox fan Patrick O'Malley of the team's loss to the New York Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 American... more»
Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new Department of Health and Human Services study, 58 percent of all exercise performed in the U.S. is broadcast... more»
Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Woofers, the Eli family's high-spirited, 3-year-old Scottish terrier, is trying his absolute hardest at everything he does,... more»
Automated Teller Has More Personality Than Human Teller

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—Waugh Street Washington Mutual's new ATM has more personality than Janine Byrd, one of the branch's human tellers, sources reported... more»
Republicans Retain Majority In Household

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News In Brief

OMAHA, NE—In spite of a vocal Democratic following among the 16-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter demographics, Republicans managed to... more»
Cheney Clotheslines Aide

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News In Photos

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Dixieland Band Evicted

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | News In Photos
I Can Make Things Right

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | Columnists

Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I... more»
Ask Kenneth Cole

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | Advice

Kenneth Cole is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Kenneth Cole, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | Horoscopes

You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away. more»
Comanche Program Scrapped

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | Infographic

The U.S. Army announced that it is canceling its $39 billion Comance helicopter program. What are the reasons? more»
Slowest-Spreading Celebrity Rumors

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | Statshot
Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

issue 4010 | 03.10.04 | What Do You Think?

Legal experts said it's likely that Slobodan Milosevic will be acquitted of genocide at the conclusion of his U.N. war-crimes tribunal. What do... more»