Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 17, 2004 - March 23, 2004 | Issue 40•11

Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics

STANFORD, CA—Known throughout the community for his verbal outbursts and his shopping cart full of trash, area street denizen "Cosmic Stan" must have studied advanced physics at some point, sources reported Monday. ..

Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News

FANG ISLAND—U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has opened his fortified island headquarters to participants in his second no-holds-barred... more»
Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News

LAWRENCE, KS—More than 3,000 U.S. citizens have banded together to form a massive special disinterest group, Coalition Of Unconcerned Americans... more»
Best Man Has No Idea Why He Was Picked

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News

GREENSBORO, NC—Although he has had a cordial relationship with officemate Karl Harrison for almost two years, Jeff Ashland reported Monday that... more»
Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—At a campaign dinner Monday, President Bush identified incumbency as the key issue in the upcoming presidential election. "Look... more»
Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS—Local architect Steve Burillo felt a momentary flush of seasonally incongruous holiday spirit Tuesday when he saw a Christmas-themed... more»
Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News In Brief

BOZEMAN, MT—Prudential Insurance administrative assistant Becky DuBois, 24, was forced to explain herself Tuesday morning after an off-hand... more»
Sheets Changed After Every Breakup

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News In Brief

ITHACA, NY—Michael Pelske changes his bed sheets after every breakup, the 24-year-old bicycle messenger announced Monday. "I'd never bring some... more»
News Of Uncle's Death Deleted By Spam Filter

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—An email from Marison Octrup containing word of her husband's death was deleted by Eric Rawson's spam filter Monday, a review of... more»
Apparently Soccer Player Just Did Something Really Good

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News In Photos

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British Girl Exotic Enough

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | News In Photos
Your Dog Is In Heaven Now, With No One To Feed Him

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | Commentary

Come over here and sit on Mommy's lap. I've got some bad news, Tommy. Are you ready? Tommy, while you were at school today, Sparky got out of the... more»
Once Again, Oscar Is King Of The Rings!

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | Columnists

I've got a lot on my plate this week, loyal Harveyheads. There's been an avalanche of events in the world of entertainment, so grab those boots!... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | Horoscopes

Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man. more»
Return Of Dawn Of The Dead

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | Infographic

A remake of the 70's horror film Dawn Of The Dead hits theaters this weekend. What changes were made in the new version? more»
At What Point On St. Patrick's Day Did We Pass Out

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | Statshot
The Madrid Train Bombings

issue 4011 | 03.17.04 | What Do You Think?

Madrid is still searching for answers after the worst terrorist attack in Spanish history. What do you think? more»