Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 24, 2004 - March 30, 2004 | Issue 40•12

Rematch With Mechanical Bull Planned All Week Long

LEXINGTON, KY—Ever since a humiliatingly short mechanical-bull ride at the Cadillac Ranch last Thursday, area resident Scott Wiseck has been planning a rematch, the 27-year-old UPS deliveryman...

Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News

PASADENA, CA—According to the Real Rover, cool, refreshing Dasani once flowed freely on the surface of the Red Planet. more»
Nostalgia Prompts Return Of Negro Baseball Leagues

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News

NEW YORK—Influenced by the high demand for Negro League memorabilia, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced Monday that, for the... more»
Political Cartoon Even More Boring And Confusing Than Issue

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News

PORTLAND, OR—A political cartoon in Monday's Daily Oregonian was more boring and confusing than the issue it attempted to address,... more»
New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The New York Times announced Monday that it will seek a court order to have Mitch Albom's book of discussions between himself... more»
Reality Show Slowly Sinks In

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News In Brief

EAST LANSING, MI—Though she'd lived in denial for nearly a month, toy-store manager Ellen Cranmer admitted Monday that the reality show The... more»
Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News In Brief

MANCHESTER, NH—More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette... more»
Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News In Brief

ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family's half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the... more»
Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—In a private meeting with Mohammed Bahr al-Ulloum, President Bush urged the Iraqi Governing Council president to amend the recently... more»
Earthquake Kills 54 Rescue Workers' Weekend Plans

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News In Photos
Hippie Will Tell You What The Real Crime Is

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | News In Photos
I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | Commentary

Last week, I was Maxwell Linden, lab technician. I was four long years from retirement, sharing a cramped little A-frame with my wife, and driving a... more»
You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | Commentary

Sorry I'm late. The Gustav Mahler Jugendsymphonie is in town, and I was held back by the conductor, Claudio Abbado—terrible bore, please don't... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | Horoscopes

Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down. more»
Nanotechnology

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | Infographic

The global market for nantechnology—the science of manipulating the tiniest bits of matter—is growing. What are some applications for the... more»
Top Sitcom Premises By Number Of Repetitions

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | Statshot
Stewart's Prison Sentence

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | What Do You Think?

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think? more»
Online-Dating Tips

issue 4012 | 03.24.04 | Tips

More people are using computers to find that special someone. Here are some tips to help make your online-dating experience safe and fun: more»