Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 31, 2004 - April 6, 2004 | Issue 40•13

Potential Baldness Cure Leads Man To Reverse Position On Stem-Cell Research

CHARLOTTE, NC—Recent news of a potential cure for baldness has prompted area resident Chuck Tell to change his views on stem-cell research. "I've always said I don't believe in that Frankenstein-type research, but lately I've been thinking that there might be something to it," said Tell, a 43-year-old father ...

Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: 'Get A Job'

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the unemployment rate unacceptable, Bush told Americans Monday to get off their duffs and find a job. more»
New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th Of North Dakota

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News

FARGO, ND—Representatives from the North Dakota Department of Commerce attended a ribbon-cutting ceremony Saturday for the new Strip Mall Of... more»
Heartbroken FBI Agent Crosses Ex-Girlfriend's Name Out Of Classified Documents

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Special agent Brian Walters said he felt resignation, sadness, and a sense of duty Monday while stripping all mention of his... more»
Fuck-Buddy Becomes Fuck-Fiancé

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News In Brief

MIAMI, FL—In spite of the explicitly casual nature of their relationship, fuck-buddies Nora Ingersoll and Keith Hetzel are engaged, friend Tom... more»
Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News In Brief

PIKEVILLE, TN—According to Hormel-plant breakroom sources, if the Puerto Ricans and the Mexicans and the Orientals and the blacks don't stop... more»
Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News In Brief

SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley State Prison's fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday.... more»
Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator On

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he'd left the Argonne... more»
Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News In Brief

ROCK SPRINGS, WY—In spite of the varsity cheerleaders' enthusiasm, Rock Springs Central High sophomore William Boelart would have actually... more»
FCC Sentences Artie Lange To Death

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News In Photos
Transit Authority Pledges To Double Number Of Out-Of-Service Buses By 2006

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | News In Photos
Before I Die, I'd Like To See Hazzard County With My Own Eyes

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | Commentary

Through the years, as I've traveled this country selling floor coverings, I've had the opportunity to see the best this great nation of ours has to... more»
Test Your Jean-Q

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | Columnists

Put on your thinking caps, Jeanketeers, because it's time once again to put your brains to the test with my second-ever Jean Teasdale "Trivia"... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 31, 2004

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | Horoscopes

You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery. more»
Disney's Financial Woes

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | Infographic

Disney's stock value has fallen 20 percent over the last five years. What are the reasons? more»
Top April Fools' Day Pranks

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | Statshot
Richard Clarke Speaks Out

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | What Do You Think?

Former counterterrorism official Richard Clarke emerged as a controversial, outspoken figure at the Sept. 11 investigation hearings. What do... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 4013 | 03.31.04 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK ABC Husky, Working-Class, Suburban Ordinary Guy Ordinary, Suburban, Working-Class Husky Guy Working-Class, Ordinary, Husky Suburban Guy Suburban, Husky, Ordinary Working-Class Guy Tracy Morgan's Last Chance NBC Remembering Friends: Part 1 In A 14-Part Series Slightly Mismatched Couple Half A Dad Sir Ian McKellen's Place CBS Everybody Loves Raymond Raymond's So Great Raymond, Raymond, Raymond Nobody Loves Me... Because I'm Not Raymond WB Banal Hopes And Dreams Gotham High Petty Lawyer Bitches Single Mom #43 Beautiful, Interchangeable Teens Hurt Each Other's Feelings UPN Flaunita's Way Shoreena Explain It Ooh, What Stank So Damn Good? Whoa There, I Love Malik Some Stand-Ups PBS This Old Host One Camera In The Balcony Of La Traviata Pledge Drives Of The Ancient Mayans CABLE ESPN The NHL's Greatest Penalties Behind The Cup Great Ex-NFLers Of Real Estate And Car Sales Some Musclebound Lummox's Opinion Telemundo Bikini Cuidado El Comedio Del Retardo El Leprechaun 3: El Leprechaun En El Barrio Wacky Wacky De Los Gatos Locos USA Lawyers & Orderlies Domestic Behavior Oh My God! Anthony Michael Hall! He's Alive! Anybody Feel Like Sitting Through Sister Act? Cinemax Corrupted Innocence Compromised Integrity Assault On Sex Island All But Penetration