Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 7, 2004 - April 13, 2004 | Issue 40•14

Area Man Excited Friend Is Getting Divorced

PASCO, WA—Jim Sterling, 31, reported Monday that he's excited to resume his friendship with his soon-to-be-divorced buddy Andy Freiburg. "Awesome," Sterling s...

Price Of Nuclear Secrets Plummeting

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Top-secret information about the design, construction, and delivery of nuclear weapons has never been more affordable than it is... more»
Yahoo Launches Soul-Search Engine

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News

SUNNYVALE, CA—Yahoo is now capable of navigating the billions of thoughts and emotions that make up the human psyche. more»
15-Year-Old Nephew Asked If He Can Get Ecstasy

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—Having exhausted several more conventional sources for illegal drugs, area copy editor Alex Henderson, 33, was forced to ask... more»
Frank Zappa Fan Thinks You Just Haven't Heard The Right Album

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News In Brief

NEDERLAND, CO—In spite of your insistence that you are not into Frank Zappa, avid fan Roger Von Lee believes that you would change your mind if... more»
Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Shortly after announcing his retirement, heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis, 38, said Monday that he hopes to continue to make money... more»
Almost No Effort Made To Stop Kid From Eating Cigarette Butt

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News In Brief

HALLOWELL, ME—While waiting for a bus Tuesday, Stan Geraldson watched 2-year-old Jason Kemper pick up a spent cigarette butt and place it in his... more»
Dollar Losing Value Against The Quarter

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—After falling 6 percent in the past three weeks, the U.S. dollar hit a 208-year low against the U.S. quarter, which had been valued at... more»
Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Liberian interim government chairman Gyude Bryant is strongly considering extending his first diplomatic visit to the U.S., the... more»
Fox News Covers Spring Break Pretty Well

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News In Photos

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Jay-Z Gives Shout-Out To His Shareholdaz

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | News In Photos
Munchtime Is The Most Important Snack Of The Day

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | Commentary

Has this ever happened to you? You are snug in your bed when an insatiable craving overcomes you. You try to ignore it, but a piece of fried chicken... more»
If Elected, I Will Be Extremely Surprised

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | Commentary

Distinguished residents of the Pine View Senior Center, more»
Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | Horoscopes

Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives. more»
The Hunt For Bin Laden

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | Infographic

The commission probing the Sept. 11 attacks presented in detail the mistakes made in the search for Osama Bin Laden. What were some of the... more»
What Can't We Bring Ourselves To Tell Our Loved Ones?

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | Statshot
U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

issue 4014 | 04.07.04 | What Do You Think?

The National Sleep Foundation recently announced that American children are not getting enough sleep. What do you think? more»