Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 21, 2004 - April 27, 2004 | Issue 40•16

National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Criticized For Funding Giant Macramé Penis

KANSAS CITY, MO—Republican lawmakers and conservative religious groups blasted the National Endowment For The Arts & Crafts Tuesday, claiming that the organization has allocated federal funds for "obscene crafts." ..

Iraqis Arming Selves For Independence

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News

BAGHDAD—With little more than two months remaining until the American-led occupation force hands sovereignty to an interim government, Iraqi... more»
Senatorial Candidate Introduces New Low-Carb Platform

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News

COLUMBIA, SC—Mayor of Myrtle Beach and Republican Senate hopeful Mark McBride jumped ahead in the polls Monday after announcing his new... more»
Woman Looks Great For A 32-Year-Old

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Acquaintances and coworkers of Jenny Scribba cannot get over how vibrant she looks, despite already being 32. more»
Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News In Brief

FALLBROOK, CA—Zany, mourning entertainer "Weird Al" Yankovic has parodied Eric Clapton's eulogy song "Tears In Heaven" in loving tribute to his... more»
Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Comedy-club regular Ray Thurmond, 53, has heckled Southern California's comedians for the past 21 years, but he told reporters... more»
Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News In Brief

CALDWELL, NJ—Historian and author Louis Putnam announced Monday that his new book about Grover Cleveland will shock fans of the 22nd and 24th... more»
Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News In Brief

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called... more»
Nation Celebrates Awkward 'Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work' Day

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Tensions were running high Tuesday as Americans nervously explained their jobs, gave workplace tours, and introduced their... more»
Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News In Photos
Sea Claims Flip-Flop

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | News In Photos
Why Can't This Family Ever Have A Funky Good Time?

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | Commentary

I say goddamn! It ain't but once or twice a year the Brown clan get together. Every time, we swear up and down it's gonna be a brand new bag.... more»
I Haven't Achieved Greatness So Much As I Was Born Into It

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | Commentary

Earlier today, on the way back from a shareholders meeting in Melbourne, the pilot of my Bombardier Challenger 604 twinprop private jet asked how I... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | Horoscopes

When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled. more»
Online Music Stores

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | Infographic

Internet sites like the iTunes music store are gaining in popularity. Why are more Americans buying music online? more»
How Are We Celebrating Earth Day?

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | Statshot
McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

issue 4016 | 04.21.04 | What Do You Think?

Last week, McDonald's announced plans to offer healthier menu items and encourage its customers to get more exercise. What do you think? more»