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April 28, 2004 - May 4, 2004 | Issue 40•17

Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom

VAN NUYS, CA—Psychologists agree that children who are neglected or abused by their caretakers often develop long-term mental-health problems. Childhood trauma frequently leads to emotional problems such as depression, feelings of worthlessness, underachievement, and detachment from reality. But some victims find the strength to rise above...

Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Superstar actor Tom Hanks will fill President Bush's spot at the White House through Friday while the chief executive takes the... more»
IKEA Claims Another 10,000 Lifestyles

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News

ATLANTA—IKEA, the rapidly growing Swedish retailer of inexpensive home furnishings, claimed another 10,000 American lifestyles in 2003,... more»
Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News

MISSOULA, MT—Only a thin tissue of lies screens area resident Jessica Jurgensen from the unpleasant reality that her friend Gina Tobler... more»
Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S.... more»
Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Strangulation has replaced a violent blow to the skull as the hot new way to eliminate a target, according to the May issue of Hired... more»
Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News In Brief

SPOKANE, WA—Although he's willing to put up with a hell of a lot, coffee-shop employee Jason Bowen said Tuesday that dealing with endless... more»
Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News In Brief

TUSTIN, CA—The humanoid spawn of Satan, Belial K. Ravana, 16, has proven to be a huge disappointment to his father, His Satanic Majesty reported... more»
Unpopped Kernels Costing U.S. Billions

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News In Brief

SIOUX CITY, IA—The singed, partially opened, and otherwise unpopped kernels at the bottom of U.S. snack bowls are costing Americans an average... more»
Suicide Bombing A Cry For Help, Vengeance Against The Infidel

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News In Photos
Grocery-Store Freezer's White Castle Section A Wreck

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | News In Photos
Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | Commentary

Esteemed members of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the United States, good afternoon. As National Security Advisor, my job is to... more»
You're Fired!

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | Columnists

You're fired! Since Donald Trump started saying it on The Apprentices, I can't say it enough. It's this year's "Is that your... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 28, 2004

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | Horoscopes

You love pointing out that you were raised by wolves, but you never mention that they were Harvard-educated, old-money Boston wolves. more»
Guantanamo Detainees' Complaints

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | Infographic

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To Whom Would We Rather Be Married?

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | Statshot
National Cyber Security

issue 4017 | 04.28.04 | What Do You Think?

The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do... more»