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May 5, 2004 - May 11, 2004 | Issue 40•18

Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night

CINCINNATI, OH—After a hard night promoting Heineken at a local bar, junior marketing associate Jason Schweiber, 23, spent Monday morning nursing a hangover and trying to remember what he'd said...

Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—John Ashcroft, the tough, no-nonsense U.S. attorney general famous for his refusal to take orders, was assigned a rookie trainee... more»
Peace Talks Just An Excuse To Visit Scenic Mideast

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—White House officials announced Monday that representatives from the U.S. will join those from Sweden, Russia, and the U.N. in... more»
Mom Hogging Family Therapy Session

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News

THORNTON, CO—According to her husband and two children, Jeanette Westphal, 41, is hogging the regular therapy sessions supposedly intended to... more»
Willie Nelson Spaces On Holding Farm Aid

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News In Brief

SPICEWOOD, TX—Country-music legend Willie Nelson completely spaced on holding a Farm Aid benefit concert this year, the singer admitted Monday.... more»
Masturbatory Prose Style Fails To Reach Climax

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Writer Terrence Hendrie's debut novel I, Me, Eye, with its lengthy sentences and elaborate footnotes, failed to result in a... more»
Herpetologist Names Son After Famous Herpetologist

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News In Brief

CORAL GABLES, FL—Herpetologist Linus R. Bolton and his wife Kareena announced Monday that they are the proud parents of eight-pound, five-ounce... more»
Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News In Brief

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—Members of the International Coalition for Equality criticized a newly unearthed mass grave Monday, saying it... more»
Vladimir Putin Begins Second Term As Whatever He Is

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News In Brief

MOSCOW—After winning a landslide re-election in March, this week Russian leader of some sort Vladimir Putin begins his second term as whatever... more»
New One-A-Month Vitamin Presents Choking Hazard

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News In Photos
Mexicans Sweeping The Nation

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | News In Photos
Darling, You Were Well Worth The Nine Goats

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | Commentary

My dearest Anjana Shah, it is difficult to believe that we have been husband and wife for five years on this very day. Where has the time gone? It... more»
You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | Commentary

If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that things rarely go according to plan. You have to expect to take a few knocks here and there.... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 5, 2004

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | Horoscopes

Your infamous good-natured but ill-fated meddling in others' lives will reach its peak when you screw up a trilateral Asian trade agreement in the... more»
Porn And HIV Prevention

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | Infographic

Shaken by an HIV scare, the adult-film industry has instituted safety regulations. What are they? more»
Why Are We Being Asked To Leave?

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | Statshot
The Social Security Time Bomb

issue 4018 | 05.05.04 | What Do You Think?

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken.... more»