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May 19, 2004 - May 25, 2004 | Issue 40•20

Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move

KANSAS CITY, MO—Senior sales representative Mark Seversen, already notorious at Aqua-Dek Water Filtration Systems for being an asshole, made the ultimate asshole move Monday when he triumphantly...

New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News

NEW YORK—Pfizer formally introduced Hoagizine, a pharmaceutical-grade Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt. more»
U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a response to recent acts of extreme violence against Americans in Iraq and mounting criticism of U.S. military policy at... more»
Funeral Looks Cheap

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News

DEARBORN, MI—Everything from the bottom-of-the-line coffin to the shabby suit worn by the deceased made the funeral of longtime assembly-line... more»
Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS—The werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman... more»
Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY—Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said Monday that metrosexuality, the trend of heterosexual men co-opting the aesthetics of... more»
Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News In Brief

ALBANY, CA—Bay Area resident Emily Dobbyns, owner of two wire-haired fox terriers, two shih tzus, one Maltese, and a pug, revealed yesterday... more»
Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Drug addict Chris Fehring, 27, announced plans Monday to eventually buy back the GE toaster he'd sold an hour earlier to U-Name-It Pawn.... more»
White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The annual White House Slam Dunk Contest, a spring ritual since 1977, featured its usual share of cringe-worthy misses and... more»
Talk-Show Host Takes Brief Break From Mocking Jessica Simpson To Interview Her

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News In Photos
Inspirational Disabled Horse Crosses Preakness Finish Line After 11 Hours

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | News In Photos
When I Grow Up, I Want To Wear A Bikini At Auto Shows

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | Commentary

Being in fifth grade is the worst thing ever. At home, Dad is always telling me to turn the television down. Then at school, Mrs. Cobb is always... more»
I Think I'll Head On Back To That Crime Scene

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | Commentary

All in all, I'd say it was a robbery well done. It was in a secluded area behind the old B.F. Goodrich on the riverfront. The mask was concealing yet... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | Horoscopes

Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a... more»
Electronic Voting Machines

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | Infographic

Computerized voting systems promise to simplify the polling process, but many Americans are worried about their accuracy. What are the machines'... more»
How Are We Defending Our Egregious Use Of Pomade?

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | Statshot
Fahrenheit 9-11

issue 4020 | 05.19.04 | What Do You Think?

Disney recently blocked Miramax from releasing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-11, a film criticizing President Bush's handling of Sept. 11. What... more»