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May 26, 2004 - June 1, 2004 | Issue 40•21

U.S. Gives Up Trying To Impress England

CHICAGO—Americans across the nation declared Tuesday that, after 230 years of trying to prove to England that the U.S. is a worthwhile and relevant country deserving of the...

Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—As President Bush's public-approval ratings hit an all-time low, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced Monday that he has been... more»
Ex-Nickelodeon Stars Relate Horrors Of Green Slime Syndrome

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News

OTTAWA—Veterans of You Can't Do That On Television have filed a class-action lawsuit in retaliation for their chronic affliction. more»
Naïve Teacher Believes In Her Students

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News

BANGOR, ME—Bishop Kelly High School English teacher Christine Niles believes in her students' ability to grow intellectually and achieve... more»
Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to relieve the burden on his overextended armed forces in Iraq, President Bush placed a four-line classified ad in... more»
Awkward Encounter Not Awkward At All When Masturbated About

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News In Brief

OLYMPIA, WA—An uncomfortable exchange between Brad Leydner, 25, and Ginny, the cute redheaded waitress at Hugo's Bistro, lost all awkwardness... more»
Bus Passenger Really Getting Into Stranger's Nursing Textbook

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Public-bus passenger Kyle Renner is seriously getting into a nearby stranger's nursing textbook, downtown-bound sources reported... more»
Great-Grandmother Actually Not That Great

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News In Brief

DAVIS, CA—Following a family get-together Sunday, 7-year-old Tom Morris reported that he didn't really see what was so great about his... more»
No-Makeup Look Easier To Achieve Than Elle Claims

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Contrary to claims in the June issue of Elle magazine, the no-makeup look actually requires little effort, a licensed... more»
Brad Pitt Called Before Congress To Testify About Bicep Regimen

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News In Photos
Gun Pays For Itself On First Day

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | News In Photos
You Learn Something New And Depressing Every Day

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | Commentary

Hey, did you know that more than 14 million African children have been orphaned because of AIDS? Fourteen million. That's roughly equivalent to the... more»
Sob Sistah

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | Columnists

Interoffice Memorandum more»
Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | Horoscopes

Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for... more»
Overseas Outsourcing

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | Infographic

By the end of next year, an estimated 830,000 U.S. service jobs will have been exported overseas. Why are companies choosing to outsource? more»
Top Crusades

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | Statshot
Should Rumsfeld Resign?

issue 4021 | 05.26.04 | What Do You Think?

As the investigation into abuses at Abu Ghraib prison continues, some Americans are urging Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to step down. What do... more»