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June 9, 2004 - June 15, 2004 | Issue 40•23

List Of Friends Revised After Birthday Party

LOS ANGELES—Due to her friends' actions at, or absences from, her 22nd birthday party at the Three Of Clubs Saturday night, Angela Linton was forced to revise her list of friends Monday. "Last week, I count...

Kerry Names 1969 Version Of Himself As Running Mate

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | News

BOSTON—Ending months of speculation, presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry announced Tuesday that he has selected the young, vibrant, recently... more»
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | News

MOSCOW—A devious little raccoon chewed through the power cord of the starboard truss, turning the space station over in orbit. more»
Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | News

STORRS, CT—University of Connecticut sophomore Aaron Bennett, 20, was found dead of an apparent sleeping-pill overdose in his campus-area... more»
Boss' Threats Hilarious

issue 4023 | 06.10.04 | News In Brief

KNOXVILLE, TN—Employees working under Champion Direct Marketing manager Dale Farner found his threats during a Monday meeting hysterical,... more»
Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys

issue 4023 | 06.10.04 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key... more»
Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter

issue 4023 | 06.10.04 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Tonight Show host Jay Leno's home outgoing voicemail message stops briefly to allow for audience laughter, sources reported... more»
Congress Launches National Congress-Awareness Week

issue 4023 | 06.10.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Hoping to counter ignorance of the national legislative body among U.S. citizens, congressional leaders named the first week in... more»
Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair

issue 4023 | 06.10.04 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation... more»
Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral

issue 4023 | 06.10.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Former President Ronald Reagan will be honored with five days of memorial services, culminating in a $5,000 a head funeral in... more»
Oil Prices Soar Like Noble Eagle

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | News In Photos

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Reagan's Body Dies

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | News In Photos
Nancy Reagan Available At 82

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | News In Photos
I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | Commentary

There are a lot of ladies out there, but if you want to keep a good one, you have to know how to make her feel appreciated. A lady wants a man who... more»
Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been spending a lotta time quietly reflecting on all the things going on in my... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | Horoscopes

You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a... more»
The New Medicare Drug Card

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | Infographic

The government unveiled a Medicare presciption-drug discount card last week. What are some of the card's features? more»
Who's Number 1?

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | Statshot
Tenet's Resignation

issue 4023 | 06.09.04 | What Do You Think?

CIA Director George Tenet resigned last week, claiming that the decision was "personal" and unconnected to recent controversies. What do you... more»