Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 16, 2004 - June 22, 2004 | Issue 40•24

Former Coworker Romanticized

DALLAS, TX—Six weeks after Jim Wanzeck's departure from Pedro's Mexican restaurant, remaining employees have begun to romanticize their former colleague, kitchen sources revealed Monday. Wanzeck, who waited...

Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to key members of the Bush Administration, the tragic proceedings of the 9/11 commission, which devastated the... more»
J.K. Rowling Ends Harry Potter Series After Discovering Boys

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—J.K. Rowling announced that she has no time to write because she has become obsessed with cute boys. more»
Man's Impending Death Alcohol-Related

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News

MATTOON, IL—In a press conference Monday, Mattoon-area police announced that the early death of Derek Yothers, 42, will be alcohol-related. more»
New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will... more»
No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News In Brief

MIDLAND, TX—No one in Jacob Grant's life has noticed his minor attempts to become a "more thoughtful and considerate person," the... more»
Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News In Brief

LUBBOCK, TX—Will Reiser, an expert in the field of unsubstantiated creatures, was duped again Tuesday, when he said he'd finally found proof of... more»
66 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Object To Torture In Nonetheless Frightening Poll

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA—The results of a USA Today-CNN-Gallup poll released Monday show that 66 percent of Americans object to the use of torture... more»
Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the... more»
Reagan's Memory Honored With Sharp Increase In Federal Budget Deficit

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News In Photos

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Jimmy Fallon Six Tantalizing Months From Disappearing Forever

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | News In Photos
Hey, Isn't That The Pot That's On TV?

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | Commentary

Does that pot over there look familiar to you? Over there, in Aisle 7, across from the deodorants? I know I've seen that box before. Was it in... more»
We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | Columnists

Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, sir. Please take a seat. Coffee? Brandy? My humidor is open to you, if you wish. I apologize for taking... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | Horoscopes

You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker. more»
Memorializing Reagan

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | Infographic

People around the world have spent the last week and a half honoring Ronald Reagan. What were some of the events? more»
What Could We Do If We Wanted To?

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | Statshot
Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | What Do You Think?

A multinational police team plans to patrol Internet chatrooms as part of a crackdown on child pornography and pedophilia. What do you think? more»
On TV Tonight

issue 4024 | 06.16.04 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK ABC Abusive Kitchen Interloper Midseason Makeover Somebody Marry Someone! On & On Why Are All These People Living In My House? NBC Friends 4 Ever In Syndication Access Hollywood Press Junket Exposing Average Joe 43 Minutes Plus Commercials CBS Still Sucking CSI: LSAT Prep Verdict: After Commercial The Burn Ward The Best Of 60 Minutes 2 PBS Mic-ing Mahler's 5th Telehubbies Miss Marple Instigates BBC Leavings FOX Anxiety Factor: Dental Appointment! Malcolm On The Air Still Behind The Smock: Real Stories Of Janitorial Excess Child Star Coal Mine CABLE DSC Suddenly Treehouse Sauces Of Eurasia Effeminate House Rearranger Squad Big Cats Big Cars PAX Nuns A Blazin' Moral Cockatiels Body By Christ God's Wrath Manifested In A Diagnosis: Murder Rerun Crucifixation NICK The Marketables Sabrina The Teenage Victim Full House No, Really, Full House Rugrats Babies HIST The Amazing Jewish Race Simon Schama's Outgoing Message The Iowans MTV A 14-Year-Old's Idea Of Cool The Shrill World Blurry Jiggles A 37-Year-Old Executive's Idea Of Cool