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June 23, 2004 - June 29, 2004 | Issue 40•25

Erotic-Horror Screenplay Discovered On Office Printer

EVANSTON, IL—Coldwell Banker receptionist Annette Lyon, 29, discovered an unattributed screenplay for a feature-length erotic thriller on a printer shared by all of the Evanston-branch employees Monday, raising company-wide speculation as to...

Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News

BAGHDAD—As the Coalition Provisional Authority prepares to hand power over to an Iraqi-led interim government on June 30, CPA administrator L. Paul... more»
China Stockpiling Massive Fireworks Arsenal

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Satellite photographs have revealed the recent test-detonation of several hundred extremely small explosive devices in the remote... more»
Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired Of Seeing Face On Cheap Plastic Crap

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon never tires of seeing his image on cheap, collectible junk, the four-time Winston Cup champion revealed... more»
7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News In Brief

COS COB, CT—On the 23rd turn of the game Monday, 7-year-old asshole Andy Scot advanced a checker to the opposite end of the board and plunked it... more»
Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News In Brief

MORSE BLUFF, NE—Although neighbors report that the Kenner family is "immensely troubled," recently published statistics suggest they are more or... more»
Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News In Brief

ESTES PARK, CO—Neighbors and loved ones joined the former residents of 22 Everglade Pass Monday to marvel at the still-smoldering remains of the... more»
Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News In Brief

APALACHICOLA, FL—Catherine Polk, 24, died at a local Starbucks Monday afternoon, due to complications resulting from the tragic loss of her cell... more»
Saddam Hussein Freed On Technicality

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—The U.S. was forced to free accused war criminal Saddam Hussein Monday following the revelation that the former Iraqi dictator had been... more»
Cast, Crew Of Troy Begin Disastrous 10-Year Journey Back To Hollywood

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News In Photos
Employee Keeps Up The Good Work

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | News In Photos
I Refuse To Let Some Beached Whale Ruin Our Family Outing

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | Commentary

Joshua! Kylie! Help your father and me unload the minivan. You can take care of the lighter things, like the mini-cooler and the badminton net. Daddy... more»
Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | Columnists

Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | Horoscopes

You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular... more»
Iraq's New Flag

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | Infographic

Iraq is poised to assume self-rule, but many citizens are unhappy with the national flag unveiled in April. What are some of the flag's design... more»
Top Wedding Costs

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | Statshot
Private Space Travel

issue 4025 | 06.23.04 | What Do You Think?

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think? more»