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July 28, 2004 - August 3, 2004 | Issue 40•30

Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35

CLEVELAND, OH—Sam Powers' lifelong passion for music ended this past weekend, when the 35-year-old camera-store assistant manager realized that he no longer derives pleasure from listening to and acquiring new music. ..

John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth and the oldest man ever in space, is being honored by the Smithsonian National... more»
Kickboxer, Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, To Continue In A Moment

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News

ATLANTA—Kickboxer, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, will resume after a brief pause, TNT sources reported several seconds ago. more»
Strip Club Makes Commitment To Hire More Minorities

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News

TAMPA, FL—Richard Brainard, owner of Shakerz Gentlemen's Lounge, announced plans Monday to hire more minorities at his Kennedy Boulevard... more»
Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News In Brief

VALLEY MILLS, TX—An AKC certificate of pedigree proves conclusively that Duke, a 2-year-old Rottweiler from nearby Rock Springs, is the puppy... more»
Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News In Brief

DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents... more»
Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News In Brief

MEXICO CITY—American tourist Michael Anderson expressed amazement Monday at the vast number of Mexicans populating Mexico City. "I guess it's... more»
Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Many web users were trapped without service Monday, when a large section of the Internet collapsed under the weight of the... more»
Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—During a coffee break at the Pentagon Monday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that he will no longer stand for... more»
Kite Flyer In The Zone

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News In Photos
Flaming Bag Of Shit Intended For Apartment 314

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | News In Photos
Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee?

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | Commentary

Marla? Get in here. Where the fuck is Diane with my coffee? I sent her out 15 minutes ago for a large cup of fair-trade Ethiopian Dark Roast from the... more»
Give Me Just One More Chance

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | Columnists

If you knew how much pain I am in while I write this column, you would read it all the way to the end and be moved by the heartache in every word.... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 28, 2004

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | Horoscopes

The authorities will eventually decide to release you on your own recognizance, which is almost certainly the cruelest thing they can think to do. more»
Bush Campaign Costs

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | Infographic

As of the beginning of July, President Bush had spent roughly $160 million on his re-election effort. How was some of the money spent? more»
Who Was Ulysses S. Grant?

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | Statshot
The 9/11 Panel Report

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | What Do You Think?

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think? more»
Holding A Yard Sale

issue 4030 | 07.28.04 | Tips

A yard sale is a great way to make money while getting rid of clutter. Here are some tips to make your sale a success: more»