Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 18, 2004 - August 24, 2004 | Issue 40•33

Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work

GRAND FORKS, ND—Erotic baker Kevin Nageli has experienced a decline in the quality of his work following a recent reduction in his sex drive, Naughty Bites sources said Monday. "I feel bad saying it, but Kevin's really in a slump," said Hal DiPrima, Nageli's longtime friend and business partner. "There was a time no marzipan penis could compare to a Kevi...

Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After four different color schemes, a Tiki phase, and more than three years spent rearranging furniture, President Bush has the... more»
America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Americans gathered Monday to discuss their feelings of heartbreak, anger, and resentment toward America's sweetheart Kirsten... more»
Local Sheriff Suspects Al-Qaeda Or Teens

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News

BARABOO, WI—Sauk County Sheriff Virgil "Butch" Steinhorst announced Tuesday that he believes a recent rash of Baraboo-area crimes was... more»
Waiting-Room Copy Of People Brings Area Man Up To Speed On Paris Hilton

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News In Brief

TULSA, OK—While waiting to see dermatologist Rawson Meyers, Randy Slocum was "brought up to speed" on the life of Paris Hilton by an Aug. 9... more»
Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News In Brief

TUCSON, AZ—Human-resources manager Dave Buckner, 27, said Monday that longtime girlfriend Janice Feener, 24, has been "a lot more clingy" ever... more»
Personal Life A Total Waste Of Time

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News In Brief

ALTOONA, PA—Stockbroker Donald Guy, 38, announced Monday that his non-work life is "a complete waste of time." "I spent the weekend reading,... more»
State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News In Brief

COLUMBIA, SC—Gov. Mark Sanford spoke out Monday in favor of changing his state's bird from the Carolina wren to "anything else" following the... more»
Republicans Outraged By Inaccuracies In Metallica Documentary

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Republican congressmen lambasted the documentary Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster for its "gross inaccuracies and... more»
Homosexual Tearfully Admits To Being Governor Of New Jersey

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News In Photos
Ride Mis-Pimped

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | News In Photos
Who Do You Think You Are—Former New Orleans Saints Linebacker Pat Swilling?

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | Commentary

Okay, Gerald, I've heard about as much out of you as I can take. All I get from you lately is eye-rolling and swaggering, like you're too good for... more»
Education Is Our Passport To The Something Or Other

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | Commentary

I once spoke to a couple who arrived in the U.S. as political refugees. They were poor, hungry, without friends, and of very limited resources, and... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 18, 2004

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | Horoscopes

This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency. more»
Summer Olympics Programming

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | Infographic

Thousands of TV hours are being dedicated to coverage of the Summer Olympics. What programming will sports fans see? more»
Why Did We Commit Murder?

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | Statshot
Gay Marriage In San Francisco

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | What Do You Think?

Last week, California's Supreme Court voided about 4,000 same-sex marriages performed by the mayor of San Francisco earlier this year. What do... more»
The Clinton Years

issue 4033 | 08.18.04 | Slideshow