Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 1, 2004 - September 7, 2004 | Issue 40•35

Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Claims adjuster Geoffrey Danvers is like many other Minneapolis residents. He is gainfully employed, participates in community events, and is an avid reader who particularly...

Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News

NEW YORK—Cynics often say that one man can't make a difference in a huge and complicated world. But this week in New York, a few tremendously rich... more»
Al-Jazeera Introduces 'Lighter Side Of The News' Segment

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News

DOHA, QATAR—Intending to "turn current-events coverage on its head," Al-Jazeera debuted its off-center odd-news segment Monday. more»
Historians Discover Children's Menu On Back Of U.S. Constitution

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The other side of Article I provides dining options for children under the age of 7. more»
Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News In Brief

FLOURISSANT, MO—Pick'n Save stockboy Joel Melcher said Monday that his overexposure to groceries has destroyed his taste for food. "When I first... more»
Internet Pop-Up Quiz Insulting

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News In Brief

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Internet user Paula Challey was insulted by the simplicity of a quiz that popped up on her computer desktop Monday. "I mean,... more»
Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News In Brief

EVANSVILLE, WY—Rod Jensen, a 25-year-old smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit, drew inspiration from 83-year-old Leo Menting Monday. "See, that... more»
The Scream Poster Stolen From Area Dorm Room

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News In Brief

ST. PAUL, MN—Concordia University campus police are still investigating Tuesday's theft of a poster of Edvard Munch's The Scream from an... more»
Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—At the insistence of members of the Republican Party, Vice-President Dick Cheney agreed not to work blue during the Republican... more»
Vacationing Bush Accepts Republican Nomination Via Live Satellite Feed

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News In Photos
Tooth Fairy Helps Self To More Teeth

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | News In Photos
Upon Reflection, I May Have Exaggerated My Skills In Midwifery

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | Commentary

Okay, Helen, you're doing great. Just remember to breathe. In... out. In... out. Fantastic. Just listen to the ocean-waves CD and try to relax. I... more»
Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed'

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | Commentary

Justin? Justin, can you hear me through this door? Are you asleep again? Your mom said you got up to use the bathroom a minute ago. She was hoping... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 1, 2004

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | Horoscopes

When you die, your name will not be found in the Book of Eternal Life. That's because you died, duh. more»
Neverland Evidence

issue 4035 | 09.01.03 | Infographic

Thirty-nine items seized from Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch were recently admitted as evidence in pre-trial hearings for his upcoming... more»
What Are We Making Small Talk About?

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | Statshot
Many Lack Potable Water

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | What Do You Think?

According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think? more»
Pool-Safety Tips

issue 4035 | 09.01.04 | Tips

Summer is drawing to a close, but there are still a few weeks left to make a splash at your local swimming pool. Here's how to make the experience... more»