Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 15, 2004 - September 21, 2004 | Issue 40•37

College Sophomore Thinks She Would Make A Good Sex Columnist

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Lisbet "Lizzie" Gilchrist, a second-year undergraduate at Penn State University, told reporters that she has the makings of a good sex-advice columnist...

Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News

CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ—Reports of a shadowy figure coupled with a string of grisly murders suggest that Vice President Dick Cheney is in Crystal Lake. more»
Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News

MCINTYRE, PA—Kevin Rybicki, a coal miner trapped 340 feet underground, wished Monday that he had more headlamp batteries, another sandwich, and... more»
Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the Summer Olympics, during which many American women achieved a level of media attention often reserved for men, sports... more»
Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Campaigning in his home state, John Kerry vowed Monday to raise taxes on his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, whose worth is estimated to be in the... more»
Letter Of Recommendation Reused For Eighth Intern

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Attorney Dina H. Berman of Oliva, Berman & Chase said Tuesday that he has used the same letter of recommendation for eight consecutive... more»
Petulant 12-Year-Old Refuses To Brown The Ground Chuck

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News In Brief

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In spite of repeated requests from his mother, 12-year-old John Farina refused to brown the ground chuck Monday. "With the things... more»
Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Marvin Solis, director of the late-night Cinemax offering Uptown Girl, nabbed the coveted Best Skinematography trophy at... more»
Recreational-Abortion Enthusiasts Applaud Repeal Of Partial-Birth Ban

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Hundreds of abortion enthusiasts gathered on the steps of the Supreme Court Monday to voice their support for recent rulings... more»
Experimental Band Theoretically Good

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News In Photos
Tiny Dog Suffocates In Louis Vuitton Bag

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | News In Photos
I Feel I Have Earned The Right To Not Have To Call 'Shotgun'

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | Commentary

Jeff? Did I just hear what I think I did? Is it possible that you just said "shotgun"? That's pretty fucked up, Jeff. Because I think it's pretty... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | Point-Counterpoint

I spend a lot of time sitting around, hoping that something will drop out of the sky and make my life better. I talk about it all the time. My... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 15, 2004

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | Horoscopes

Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes. more»
Hurricane Preparedness

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | Infographic

What are some of the hurricane-season pointers outlined by the National Hurricane Center? more»
Least Popular Appetizers

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | Statshot
Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

issue 4037 | 09.15.04 | What Do You Think?

The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think? more»