Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 22, 2004 - September 28, 2004 | Issue 40•38

Money Thrown At Lunch Problem

LINCOLN, NE—Frustrated by the logistics of developing a viable mealtime strategy, employees of the Ryodan Consulting Group threw money at the lunch problem Monday, according to branch manager Ryan...

Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News

ASADABAD, AFGHANISTAN—Fears of possible terrorist attacks have led organizers of the Sept. 27-30 al-Qaeda International Convention to take... more»
Matchbox Twenty Finally Finishes Watering Down Long-Awaited New Album

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News

LOS ANGELES—Executives at Atlantic Records announced Monday that multi-platinum recording artist Matchbox Twenty, which set sales records in... more»
Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News

ST. LOUIS—Friends of 33-year-old Drew Sorenson characterized a Sunday alcohol-abuse intervention as a success, reporting that they'd maintained... more»
Congressional Candidate Forced To Explain Controversial 1971 'Fuck Everything' Remark

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News In Brief

LITTLE ROCK, AR—U.S. Rep. Vic Snyder (D-AR) was forced to defend himself Monday against Republican opponent Marvin Parks' claim that witnesses... more»
Crush Lasts Entire Bus Ride

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—Administrative assistant and bus rider Perry Stoddard, 25, developed a crush that lasted the duration of the Metro line bus trip from... more»
New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated By Molding

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News In Brief

BUCKEYE, AZ—Friends of Michael Ziglar said Monday that, since he purchased his three-bedroom ranch home in April, Ziglar has become endlessly... more»
Ducks Only Interested In Man's Bread

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News In Brief

ST. PAUL, MN—Como Park visitor Daryl Wilson, 31, reported that he was disappointed to discover that the ducks he'd fed for more than 20 minutes... more»
Bush Introduces New Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced Monday that he'll encourage Congress to back his new education initiative, the Timmy Blanchard Left... more»
Apparently Fire Marshal Wasn't Just Being A Dick

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News In Photos
Plastic Surgeon Has Leathery Wife

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | News In Photos
Well, That's The Last Heart-To-Heart I'm Ever Having With Janet

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | Commentary

Look, I am as compassionate as any member of the Ladies Lutheran League Auxiliary—including you, Linda, with your selfless devotion to the... more»
I Was Almost Back In The Saddle Again

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been getting the shit end of the stick lately. It's not like I had much... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 22, 2004

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | Horoscopes

You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle. more»
The Bush Family Biography

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | Infographic

The Family: The Real Story Of The Bush Dynasty, Kitty Kelley's tell-all biography of the Bush family, hit shelves last week. What did the book... more»
What Role Is Rusell Crowe Considering?

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | Statshot
Antidepressant Use In Children

issue 4038 | 09.22.04 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the FDA announced that children who take antidepressants face an increased risk of suicide, but some doctors dispute the claim. What do... more»