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September 29, 2004 - October 5, 2004 | Issue 40•39

Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A'

PASADENA, CA—Well-known frontman for Alvin & The Chipmunks, the singing group that included his brothers Simon and Theodore, Alvin Seville is adored by millions for his intricate vocals on...

Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Newly released documents seem to indicate large gaps in George W. Bush's presidential service. more»
Bedding Officials Demand Thread Recount

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News

BEDFORD, TX—Alarmed by reports of incorrect thread counts in the nation's blankets and sheets, bedding officials demanded nationwide thread... more»
Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News

JEFFERSON, MO—Contrary to what he had been assured about adult life, local resident Mike Glick, 24, reported Monday that he is even less popular... more»
Report: Iraq War Keeping Thousands Out Of Unemployment Line

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report praised the positive effect the Iraq War has had on the strained U.S. job market, Secretary of Labor... more»
Produce Section Bursts Into Laughter After Will Ferrell Makes Casual Remark About Apples

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Patrons of the Trader Joe's grocery store on La Brea Avenue and Third Street broke out into gales of spontaneous laughter when... more»
Upcoming Election Deduced From Sports Illustrated Content

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News In Brief

LINCOLN, NE—Football fan Ben Pellett first became aware of the upcoming presidential election Tuesday, thanks to a tangential reference to it made... more»
Gay Couple Has Banal Sex

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—Jerome Ostrowski and Barry Lipner engaged in the practice of banal sex Monday, sources reported. "After we got home from Don... more»
'Ravaged' Named Florida's Official State Adjective

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Jeb Bush announced Monday that Florida has adopted the word "ravaged" as its official state adjective. "In the past... more»
Doll Overstays Dollhouse Welcome

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News In Photos
Woman's Tan Lines Don't Make Any Sense

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | News In Photos
There Are So Many Experiences I Want To Write About Having Had

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | Commentary

As a writer, I have powers of observation far greater than those of the average person. Nothing gets by me. Sometimes, as I sit typing in my dank,... more»
Pierre Will Be Leading The Vertical-Insertion Team Into The Vakhan Territory

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | Columnists

Ah, yes, our new senior applied-science director. Come in, sir. Hello and welcome to our little corner of the operation. Tea? Turkish? Mei Ling, some... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 29, 2004

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | Horoscopes

New doors will be opened to you when you discover what can be done with a little patience and a set of filed-down dental instruments. more»
Oktoberfest

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | Infographic

Munich is in the midst of Oktoberfest, Germany's annual celebration of beer and Bavarian culture. What have been the festival's highlights so far? more»
Top Gypsy Curses

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | Statshot
Iraq Hostages

issue 4039 | 09.29.04 | What Do You Think?

Extremists in Iraq continue to use hostage-taking to convey their message, leaving much of the world wondering what can be done. What do you... more»