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October 13, 2004 - October 19, 2004 | Issue 40•41

Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl

MINNEAPOLIS—Overweight 26-year-old Michael Paulson bid a temporary farewell to the apartment he shares with three friends Monday, in order to make a 900-mile bus trip to Memphis, TN "just to fuck some girl," his roommates reported. "As we speak, my fat roommate Michael is on a bus heading halfway across the country, just so he can pork some chick he barely knows," Nathan ...

Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News

GREENSBORO, NC—In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally... more»
Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News

LOS ANGELES—A Coca-Cola commercial celebrating Latin American culture made its debut on several major networks last week, empowering and uplifting... more»
Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News

AMIENS, FRANCE—Literary scholars announced Monday that they have unearthed a 33-page handwritten manuscript of "The Camera-Phone," a short story... more»
George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—The George Foreman Grill announced Monday that it will retire in order to promote its own patented line of fat-reducing grills. "The... more»
Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News In Brief

SANTEE, CA—Family dog Loki experienced the best day of his life for the 400th straight day Monday, the black Labrador retriever reported. "I got... more»
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News In Brief

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—More than 200 members of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers picketed outside Ross-Ade Stadium Monday, protesting... more»
Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—Snack experts warned Monday at 9:15 p.m. that the Pringles level within the Cody household had dipped to a dangerously low six inches... more»
World Bank Forecloses On World Farm

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Following years of threats, the World Bank foreclosed on the World Farm, a 64,000-square-mile plot of arable land in Dodoma,... more»
Baby Takes Political Stance

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News In Photos
That One Chinese Place Closes

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | News In Photos
You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | Commentary

Thank you! more»
It's Hard When A Close Relative Of Somebody You Pretend To Like Dies

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | Commentary

When I saw Laura rush out of the office with her coat over her arm one day last month, I assumed she was on her way to an impromptu showing. But then... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | Horoscopes

Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla... more»
The Pope's Beatifications

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | Infographic

Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's... more»
Why Are We Up At 4 a.m.?

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | Statshot
U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | What Do You Think?

Last week, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan set up a commission to determine whether genocide has taken place in the Darfur region of Sudan. What do... more»
Apartment-Hunting Tips

issue 4041 | 10.13.04 | Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space: more»