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November 10, 2004 - November 16, 2004 | Issue 40•45

Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan

LAWRENCE, KS—Chad Doogan, 20, a resident of the economically ravaged back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive, received a huge setback Monday, when a humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was vetoed by his two...

Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last... more»
U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Pressed for additional troops to police the Iraqi general elections scheduled for January, the Pentagon announced Monday that it... more»
Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News

NEW YORK—In spite of the odds it faces in the ultra-competitive self-improvement segment of the publishing market, the forthcoming self-help... more»
Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—A week after winning a narrow victory over Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry, President Bush promised to "unite the divided... more»
Political Blogger Mass Suicide To Be Discovered In Several Weeks

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News In Brief

BOSTON—By examining web-traffic data for left-leaning DailyKos.com, researchers have predicted that the mass suicide of 14 political bloggers will... more»
Procrastinating Catholic 20 Rosaries Behind

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Following three trips to the confessional in recent months, Paul McMullen has a backlog of 20 recitations of the rosary, the 32-year-old... more»
Amount Of Halloween Candy Collected Down 15 Percent

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to data released Monday by the Federal Confectionery Reserve, the amount of candy collected by U.S. children this... more»
Liberals Return To Sodomy, Welfare Fraud

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News In Brief

BERKELEY, CA—No longer occupied by the 2004 election, liberals across the country have returned to the activities they enjoy most: anal sex and... more»
Nation's Wildlife Fleeing To Canada

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News In Photos
Kerry Captures Bin Laden One Week Too Late

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | News In Photos
Debbie, By The Time You Read This, I'll Either Be Dead Or Vice President Of Marketing

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | Commentary

Dearest Debbie, when you opened this letter, my fate was already sealed. I do not take pleasure in alarming you, but I love you too much to mince... more»
I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | Columnists

To whomever or whatever is currently in charge of the free encyclopedia and online community portal at Wikipedia.org, I demand that you remove the... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | Horoscopes

You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven... more»
Prehistoric Discoveries

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | Infographic

This year, paleontologists made a number of important discoveries about prehistoric times, including the existence of a 40-inch-tall species of... more»
What Are We Doing With Our Old Clothes?

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | Statshot
The Republican Majority

issue 4045 | 11.10.04 | What Do You Think?

Last week, Bush became the first Republican president to be re-elected with House and Senate majorities since 1924. What do you think? more»