Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 1, 2004 - December 7, 2004 | Issue 40•48

In Search Of A Better Life, Teen Moves Downstairs

DEERFIELD, IL—Like generations of teenagers before him, 16-year-old Eric Jankowski has pulled up stakes to seek a future in a distant land of opportunity and independence. Bravely facing the...

Iraq Adopts Terror Alert System

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News

BAGHDAD—The Iraqi Department of Homeland Security recently released a 10-level, color-coded homeland security advisory system that will alert... more»
New Social Security Plan Allows Workers To Put Portion Of Earnings On Favorite Team

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush signed an ambitious Social Security plan into law Monday that will allow citizens to bet a third of their payroll... more»
Office-Newsletter Editor Refuses To Back Down

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News

SALINA, KS—Shipping department manager Nathan Harrity refused to apologize Monday for the controversy surrounding the November issue of... more»
Congress Approves Of $250 Billion

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a near-unanimous vote Monday, 434 members of the House and all 100 senators voiced their approval of $250 billion. "My fellow... more»
Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News In Brief

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Responding to a distressing message left on his voicemail, Martin Hermenson drove all the way across town to Bridgeport Hospital... more»
Dance-Club Bathroom Left Out Of Gay Couple's Meeting Story

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—During an anniversary get-together at their apartment Monday, Matthew Ledger and Dale Robertson told the story of their first meeting... more»
Party Host Proudly Informs Guests They're Eating Shark

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News In Brief

MANKATO, MN—At a dinner party Monday, host Jeanette Rojahn, 44, announced with great pride that the main course she was serving was shark. "Can... more»
Childhood Friend Stops Writing After Two E-mails

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News In Brief

LOUISVILLE, KY—David Krohl, 29, said Monday that his renewed contact with childhood friend Mike Bunge seems to have ended after two e-mails. "It... more»
Zell Miller Named First Secretary Of Offense

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News In Photos
Graffiti Artist No Longer Putting His Heart In It

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | News In Photos
$25,000 Is Its Own Reward

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | Commentary

I don't consider myself special. True, I helped bring a dangerous criminal to justice, but the attention I received doesn't matter to me. Call me a... more»
Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse!

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | Columnists

Item! I've been researching one of my favorite actresses. You may know her as Kelly Bundy, but her real name is Kristina... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | Horoscopes

You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain. more»
Trump Casinos Bankrupt

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | Infographic

Last week, Donald Trump's casino empire filed for bankruptcy. What caused the company's crushing dept? more»
Why Are We Shaving Our Heads?

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | Statshot
Kids Using Drugs To Study

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | What Do You Think?

Studies show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you... more»
Fighting Insomnia

issue 4048 | 12.01.04 | Tips

Insomnia—the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep—affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better... more»