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December 8, 2004 - December 14, 2004 | Issue 40•49

Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook

OCCOQUAN, VA—Jane Hemmer's family scrapbook, prominently displayed on her coffee table at all times, gives the impression that her life is not only bearable, but even pleasant, sources not particularly close to the 58-year-old homemaker said Monday. "My goodness, what a lovely family!" new neighbor Fern Kopein s...

Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News

BENTONVILLE, AR—Wal-Mart, the world's largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35... more»
World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists announced that experimentation on mice has been motivated out of sheer distaste for the rodents. more»
Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News

SEYMOUR, IN—Local authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial... more»
Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—Out-of-the-loop moron Karen Lenz stunned everyone within earshot Monday when she said Brittany Murphy was still dating Jeff... more»
Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News In Brief

LAWRENCE, KS—After a weekend visit to the home of Gloria and Ben Kirchbauer, nephew James Fenderman, 26, said Monday that he was unable to... more»
Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News In Brief

BILLINGS, MT—Accountant Carl Scoval told reporters Monday that, although he's heard that the wife of his coworker Tom Barton is hilarious, he's... more»
City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News In Brief

MODESTO, CA—The Modesto City Council announced Monday that it will issue deep, meaningful, general-obligation municipal bonds to any investor... more»
Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News In Brief

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Scott Peterson, convicted in November of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn child, was issued a Lifetime Channel sentence... more»
Bollywood Remake Of Fahrenheit 9/11 Criticizes Bush Administration Through Show-Stopping Musical Numbers

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News In Photos
Pet Winterized

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | News In Photos
Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | Commentary

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your... more»
What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | Commentary

It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | Horoscopes

Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0. more»
Dollar Low Against Euro

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | Infographic

Last week, the U.S dollar dipped to a record low against the euro. What are the reasons for the currency's decline? more»
How Can We Live With Ourselves?

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | Statshot
Americans Marrying Later

issue 4049 | 12.08.04 | What Do You Think?

Census Bureau figures for 2003 show that Americans are getting married later, with the average age for a first marriage having risen to 26. What do... more»