Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 15, 2004 - December 21, 2004 | Issue 40•50

Family Secret Turns Out To Be Boring

MINNETONKA, MN—After nearly 30 years of subterfuge, Michael Henderson's parents Doug and Pam broke down and revealed their painful family secret, which turned out to be unbelievably boring, their son reported Monday. "Ever since I was a kid, Mom and Dad ha...

Nigeria Chosen To Host 2008 Genocides

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News

ABUJA, NIGERIA—Nigeria is excited for the chance to follow in the footsteps of Somalia, Rwanda, and Sudan. more»
New Homeless Initiative To Raise Bottle Deposit To 12 Cents

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A bipartisan Congressional initiative passed Monday promises that relief, in the form of a national, 12-cent bottle-and-can... more»
Area Man Suspicious Of Wrap

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News

ERIE, PA—Local resident and frequent fast-food-restaurant patron Don Turnbee said Monday that he was "still a little leery" of the wrap he'd... more»
Dad's Marine Corps Training Evident During Christmas-Present Opening

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News In Brief

CHARLESTON, SC—Retired Cpl. Kent Packard, 58, rarely puts his Marine Corps expertise to use, except during the yearly Christmas gift exchange,... more»
Risk Champ Flunks Geography Test

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News In Brief

ALBANY, NY—Alfred Wu, the 13-year-old winner of the 2004 East Coast Risk Championship, flunked his 8th-grade world-geography test,... more»
Area Man Too Busy For His Buddy Phil, Eh?

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News In Brief

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—College chum Steve Maeske is apparently too busy to give his buddy Phil a quick ring, sources reported Monday. "Phil,... more»
Sports-Related Murder Provides Perfect Local-News Segue

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—The arrest of former Arizona State running back Darius Cantrell in connection with a homicide provided the perfect segue from local news... more»
Lawyers Separate Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen In 17-Hour Procedure

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD—Attorneys representing Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen separated the career-conjoined twins in a harrowing, 17-hour procedure Monday.... more»
Rommel, Hummel Dominate Parents' Christmas List

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News In Photos
Gold Bond Spokesman Grudgingly Admits It Makes Your Balls Tingle

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | News In Photos
Desperate Times Call For Desperate Housewives

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | Commentary

We Americans are not strangers to hardship. We have endured economic woes, enmity between the states, and protracted campaigns in foreign lands. We... more»
Spawn Of Santa

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | Columnists

It's Christmastime again, and for your old pal Jean, that means one thing: limited-term seasonal employment. This year, my job is something I've done... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 15, 2004

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | Horoscopes

There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical. more»
Stopping Steroids

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | Infographic

Major League Basball is under pressure to impose tougher rules against steroids. How do they plan to prevent the use of performance-enhancing drugs? more»
Top High-School Debate Topics

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | Statshot
Iraq Troops Complain

issue 4050 | 12.15.04 | What Do You Think?

Last week, troops complained to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about extended deployments and poor equipment. What do you think? more»
The War In Iraq

issue 4050 | 12.14.04 | Slideshow