Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 22, 2004 - December 28, 2004 | Issue 40•51

Privacy Advocates Refuse To Release New Report

WASHINGTON, DC—Privacy-rights advocates from the American Privacy Rights Center refused to release a heavily researched report on the new Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act of 2004...

Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News

MADISON, WI—The holidays evoke images of carolers and hot cocoa, sleigh rides through the crisp country air, and chestnuts roasting on an open... more»
Psychiatrists Treating Phantom Of The Opera Viewers For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News

HOLLYWOOD—Psychiatrists in select cities nationwide have reported a surge in Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder cases following the Dec. 22... more»
Area Daughter Belittled Out Of Concern

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News

PENSACOLA, FL—Out of concern for her daughter's well-being, Valerie Guzman spent the majority of her 26-year-old daughter Nancy's brief holiday... more»
Son Loved More Than Football, Less Than Playoff Football

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News In Brief

ALLENTOWN, PA—Diehard Eagles fan Bill Ferris said Monday that he loves his 12-year-old son Rex more than football, excepting the thrilling... more»
Actor Receives $25 Million For Everyman Role

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD—Tom Hanks will reunite with director Steven Spielberg in Dreamworks' Payne's Pride, in which he will play the part of everyman... more»
Secretary Cracks Under Administration Of Third Raspberry Margarita

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News In Brief

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Wintrust Financial secretary Kerry Jorgenson finally succumbed to coworker Charlotte Franze's interrogation after the... more»
Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Ever since being mugged by a black man, 28-year-old Caucasian Mark Weisner has become a racist, friends reported Monday. "I used to be... more»
Scientific Journal Releases List Of Year's Top 100 Compounds

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA—The Atlantic Journal Of Computational Chemistry released its ranking of the top 100 compounds of the year Tuesday, with H2O... more»
44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News In Photos
Outgoing HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson Caught With Briefcase Full Of Flu Vaccine

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News In Photos
Where Are Today's Mattress-Sales Visionaries?

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | Commentary

After many nights spent tossing and turning, I broke down and bought a new mattress. Is it just me—pardon the pun—or has bedding sales lost... more»
My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard?

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | Commentary

My dearest Rachel, we've been through so much in the past eight months. We've loved together, laughed together, and grown ever closer. You are... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | Horoscopes

Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love. more»
Recalled Holiday Toys

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | Infographic

The U.S Consumer Product Safety Comission recently released its annual list of recalled toys. Which items should parents avoid buying? more»
Why Did She Pack Up And Go?

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | Statshot
Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | What Do You Think?

Last week, jurors recommended that Scott Peterson be sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci. What do you think? more»