Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 29, 2004 - January 4, 2005 | Issue 40•52

Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up Scrabble Victory

PLYMOUTH, NH—Evan Riedel has made reference to his Dec. 20 Scrabble victory over girlfriend Amy Vanderploeg "about 200 friggin' times" in the days since, Vanderploeg reported Monday. "Evan will not let that Scrabble game drop," Van...

Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Libel, comedian and TV star Drew Carey killed a guy back in the... more»
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News

AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of "skeleton... more»
Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News

GALESBURG, IL—Mary Kleibert, mother of three, once again completely spazzed for no reason Tuesday. more»
New 'Steak & Onion' Potato Chips Taste Disturbingly Like Steak And Onions

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News In Brief

MONTPELIER, VT—A bag of Murley's Steak & Onion Potato Chips deeply disturbed Montpelier-area snacker Vince Houghton Monday, delivering an... more»
Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I... more»
Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News In Brief

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Area resident Russ Squirek insists on having his keys tossed to him rather than handed, sources reported Monday. "It's always,... more»
Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News In Brief

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now... more»
East St. Louis Rated 'Number One City In America' By Poverty Magazine

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News In Brief

EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—The December issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual "Top American Cities" poll, hit newsstands Monday, and... more»
Pier 1 Issues Formal Apology For Rattan Death March

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News In Photos
Data-Entry Clerk Reapplies Carmex At 17-Minute Intervals

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | News In Photos
I Wish I Were One Of TV's Golden Girls

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | Commentary

Ever since my fall, I've been watching a lot more TV. It's lucky, too, because I've discovered the most delightful new show. It's called The... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | Point-Counterpoint

Hug me! I am so cute and furry! I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | Horoscopes

Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence. more»
Police-Recruitment Woes

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | Infographic

Across the nation, police departments are struggling to fill their ranks. What is being done to attract new recruits? more»
Corporations Facing Bankruptcy

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | Statshot
Canadian Immigration Under Fire

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | What Do You Think?

Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What... more»
Winterizing Tips

issue 4052 | 12.29.04 | Tips

Winter, the season of sledding and snowmen, can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold: more»