Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 12, 2005 - January 18, 2005 | Issue 41•02

Blacks, Whites Put Differences Aside, Work Together To Make Better Burger

LOUISVILLE, KY—Sadly, in 2005, America remains a nation deeply divided along racial lines. It's enough to cause one to lose hope. But divided as we are, every now and again something comes along to remind us just how much can be achieved when we view our differences as assets rather than liabilities. The afternoon crew at Louisville's Carver Street McDon...

Zambia Elects Black President

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—In a historic triumph for Zambia's African-African community, Bilikisu Adewale, a 49-year-old black man, was elected president... more»
Racial Harmony Achieved By Casting Of Black Actor As Teen Computer Whiz

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News

BURBANK, CA—The long-standing economic, political and social divisions between blacks and whites in America at long last ended Monday with a TV... more»
Anti-Racism Laws Mutate Racism Into Newer, Stronger Form

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Center For The Study Of Human-Morality-Legislation Attempts, the passage of... more»
HMO Targets Blacks With 'Rapping Good' Health Campaign

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Advertising executives say they have hit upon an ingenious new way to target blacks: Mount a campaign that co-opts their own... more»
If Area Dad Steps On Legos One More Time

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News In Brief

DARLINGTON, SC—According to loud reports from within the Kaminsky household Tuesday, if area father Russell Kaminsky steps on one more goddamn... more»
Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor... more»
MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT... more»
Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News In Brief

Washington "completely ripped off" his personal mantra from civil-rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. "Ron's always saying how if someone doesn't... more»
Fruit Of Islam Cause Man To Soil Fruit Of Looms

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News In Photos
Will Smith: The Black Man Everyone At Work Can Agree On

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | News In Photos
I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar'

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | Commentary

I have this amazing gift. It's called "blackdar," and it enables me to tell whether someone is African-American without even knowing anything about... more»
Get Smooved

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | Columnists

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved. more»
Horoscope for the week of January 12, 2005

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | Horoscopes

Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon. more»
The Teacher Shortage

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | Infographic

America is suffering from a severe shortage of schoolteachers. What incentives are being offered to draw more people to the profession? more»
How Did We Celebrate MLK Day?

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | Statshot
Human Rights And The U.S.

issue 4102 | 01.12.05 | What Do You Think?

According to Amnesty International, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader. What do you think? more»
The War On Terror

issue 4102 | 01.11.05 | Slideshow