Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 26, 2005 - February 1, 2005 | Issue 41•04

Crime Scene Used To Be Cool

LOS ANGELES—According to early arrivals at the scene of a multiple homicide in Koreatown, the alley is no longer cool. ..

U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation approaches the one-year anniversary of the Super Bowl XXXVIII tragedy, an FCC study shows that millions of U.S.... more»
Relationship Beats Second-Quarter Expectations

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Despite some questionable emotional investments in her past, Deanna Greunwald's merger with Kirk Herman has gone well. more»
Protest One Person Short Of Success

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The counter-inauguration protests held in Washington Wednesday were one person short of success, analysts reported Thursday. more»
Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News In Brief

LEXINGTON, KY—Ty Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you... more»
Doctor Unable To Hide His Excitement From Patient With Ultra-Rare Disease

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News In Brief

ROCHESTER, MN—Dr. Erich Stellbrach, a general practitioner at the Mayo Clinic, could barely contain his exhilaration Monday upon discovering... more»
GEICO Saves 15 Percent Or More By Discontinuing Advertising

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Executives at the car-insurance company GEICO learned Monday that they could slice 15 percent or more from their operating budget... more»
Part Written Specifically With Sylvia Saint In Mind

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News In Brief

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Aspiring porn screenwriter Dick Shavers said Monday that he wrote his script Blonde Rambition for Czech-born actress... more»
Breathalyzer Big Hit At Cop Party

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News In Brief

AMARILLO, TX—In spite of the George Jones cover band and the Porterhouse steak dinner, the Lifeloc FC-10 Portable Breath Alcohol Tester was the... more»
Hilary Duff's Number-One Fan Tasered

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News In Photos
Technophile Has Coolest Junk Drawer Ever

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | News In Photos
My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | Commentary

Dare you face me? I should think so! Even the most craven cowards of our land shake with laughter at my challenge. The most feeble and infirm... more»
Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | Commentary

Most of my coworkers here at Washington Mutual have no idea who I really am. They see me correcting spelling errors in press releases and removing... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 26, 2005

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | Horoscopes

This Thursday, you'll find out that being nibbled to death by ducks is not merely an elaborate figure of speech. more»
Huygens Space Probe Discoveries

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | Infographic

The European Space Agency landed the Huygens probe on Saturn's largest moon, Titan , on Jan. 14. What have scientists discovered? more»
How Are We Poisoning Our Adversary?

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | Statshot
The Rice Confirmation

issue 4104 | 01.26.05 | What Do You Think?

After a delay caused by Congressional Democrats, Condoleezza Rice will be confirmed as Secretary of State this week. What do you think? more»