Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 9, 2005 - February 15, 2005 | Issue 41•06

Project Manager Leaves Suicide PowerPoint Presentation

PORTLAND, OR—Project manager Ron Butler left behind a 48-slide PowerPoint presentation explaining his tragic decision to commit suicide, coworkers reported Tuesday. "When I first heard that Ron had swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills, I was shocked," said Hector Benitez, Butler's friend and coworker at William...

Latest Bin Laden Videotape Wishes America 'A Crappy Valentine's Day'

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant all... more»
Product Placement Mars Otherwise Exciting Super Bowl

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Although NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue declared the Super Bowl XXXIX experiment with in-game product placement a success, fans... more»
Woman Begins To Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News

AUBURN, CA—After four months of romantic involvement, Wells Fargo mortgage lending assistant Heidi Bird, 27, said Monday that she is beginning to... more»
Cocksucker Beats Up Motherfucker

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News In Brief

GAINESVILLE, FL—In an ass-kicking on the sidewalk in front of the Red Room on Juniper Avenue Saturday, some 23-year-old cocksucker totally wasted... more»
'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News In Brief

SANTA MONICA, CA—According to waiter and aspiring writer Ian Shortridge, his friend Dan Stavers has only one piece of advice: "Get TiVo." "You... more»
Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News In Brief

WATERTOWN, MA—Joel Dashner, 34, interpreted acquaintance Lori Rezala's nervous shifting, awkward giggling, and inability to make eye contact at a... more»
Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Fielding questions from reporters at a Tuesday press conference, President Bush defended his adherence to the principles of... more»
Census Bureau: 9,000 To 15,000 People Work At Census Bureau

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to 2004 figures released by the U.S. Census Bureau, between 9,000 and 15,000 people work at the Census Bureau. "It is... more»
Guy In Rome Does As The Tourists Do

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News In Photos

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Frederick's Of Anchorage Debuts Crotchless Long Underwear

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | News In Photos
Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | Commentary

If I may interject here, I'd like to point out something I think the group will find relevant—or if not relevant, at least somewhat... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars vs. Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | Point-Counterpoint

Dearest Sally, I can no longer hide what I've been feeling since the day you borrowed my pen at Kampus Koffee. If I don't let my emotions out, I'll... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | Horoscopes

Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch. more»
Columnist Crackdown

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | Infographic

Columnists Armstrong Williams, Maggie Gallagher, and Michael McManus are under fire for accepting payment for promoting Bush administration policies.... more»
Where Do We See Ourselves In Five Years?

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | Statshot

Where Do We See Ourselves In Five Years? more»
The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

issue 4106 | 02.09.05 | What Do You Think?

The FCC is currently reviewing its ban on the use of cell phones during flights, but many passengers say they like the restriction. What do... more»