Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 23, 2005 - March 1, 2005 | Issue 41•08

New Generation Of Dynamic, Can-Do Seniors Taking On Second Jobs

CHANDLER, AZ—Old age used to be considered a period of decreased activity, mental slowdown, and reduced usefulness to society. In recent years, however, a new generation of ambitious, resourceful senior citizens is turning that trend on its head, reclaiming their youthful vigor by taking on second...

Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News

HOLLYWOOD—All eyes are squarely fixed on Jude Law as he comes to the 100-day mark in his tenure as People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 2004. more»
State Of Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News

ST. PAUL, MN—Although many of its highways and bridges are in severe disrepair, the traditionally undemanding state of Minnesota isn't comfortable... more»
Miller Brewing Company Pressures Area Man To Drink Responsibly

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News

CHEYENNE, WY—The Milwaukee, WI-based Miller Brewing Company, well-known for extolling the responsible enjoyment of alcoholic beverages, has been... more»
Woman Dozing At Coffee Shop Has That Dave Eggers Sex Dream Again

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News In Brief

IOWA CITY, IA—Freshly jolted awake from a peach-tea-induced nap, Sumatra Café patron Laurie Dubar said she had that same sex dream about... more»
Local Man Gets Cocky With Ladder

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News In Brief

GUNNISON, UT—Three days into painting his house, Donald Simonds has gotten arrogant with his 12-foot aluminum ladder. "When he started his... more»
Lure Of Free Meal Each Shift Too Great For Disgruntled Arby's Employee

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News In Brief

WEST WENDOVER, NV—Although he hates working at Arby's "more than anything," prep cook Taylor Ochtrup, 17, told reporters Monday that he would quit... more»
Sharper Image Vows 'We Will Be Undersold'

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—In a battle cry to consumers of trendy specialty gadgets, Sharper Image CEO Richard Thalheimer said Monday that the high-end retailer... more»
Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the... more»
Spider-Man Mask Spices Up Blind Date

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News In Photos
New Macrowave Can Defrost A Roast In 72 Hours

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | News In Photos
I'm Tired Of Looking At These Same Four Uterine Walls

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | Commentary

My God, I'm bored. I've heard that after the anxiety of separation from the mother and the trauma of birth, all I'll want to do is return to the... more»
I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don't Support Our Troops

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | Commentary

The U.S. went to war in Iraq to remove an evil and dangerous political adversary from power. Now that we have done that, the American troops must... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | Horoscopes

You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor. more»
Oscar Host Chris Rock

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | Infographic

Chris Rock will host this year's Academy Awards. What suggestions did event organizers have for the comedian? more»
Top Euphemisms For Female Urination

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | Statshot
COX-2 Inhibitors

issue 4108 | 02.23.05 | What Do You Think?

The FDA is currently deciding whether to restrict the use of COX-2 inhibitors, the widely used class of pain drugs which includes Vioxx. What do... more»