Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 9, 2005 - March 15, 2005 | Issue 41•10

Nationwide Headband Trend Traced Back To Area Sophomore

PIERRE, SD—As cotton athletic headbands, the season's hot fashion accessory, continue to appear on trendsetters' foreheads across the nation, the originator of the fad has finally been located: Pierre West High School...

Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran'

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Almost a year after the cessation of major combat and a month after the nation's first free democratic elections, President Bush... more»
Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Center for Media and Social Research, the reality-TV genre is unfairly biased against... more»
Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an extremely brief press conference on the steps of City Hall, area psychopath Roland Walling, 46, announced Monday that he is on... more»
Mysterious Defibrillator Saves Accident Victim, Disappears

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News In Brief

SAN ANTONIO, TX—An unidentified defibrillator saved the life of heart-attack victim Clifford Moore, 67, and vanished without a trace, sources at... more»
Script Could Use Another Pass, Mom Says

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News In Brief

ANSLEY, NE—Persistence Of Vision, a screenplay by aspiring screenwriter James Grunau, "isn't quite ready to shop yet," Grunau's... more»
Bar Bet Becomes Increasingly Complex

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News In Brief

DETROIT, MI—Onlookers at Schutt's Tavern report that a bet between two customers grew to almost unworkable complexity Monday. "Okay, let's get... more»
The Edge Still Introducing Self As Such

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News In Brief

MALIBU, CA—U2 guitarist The Edge, born David Evans, introduces himself by his stage name, sources reported Monday. "He showed up at parent-teacher... more»
'Me Decade' Celebrates 35th Year

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The "Me Decade," a period beginning in 1970 and marked by self-awareness and self-fulfillment, celebrated its 35th year Monday. "With... more»
Thick Sweater No Match For Determined Nipples

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News In Photos

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Could Hillary Clinton Have What It Takes To Defeat The Democrats In 2008?

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | News In Photos
Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | Commentary

Listen and listen good, sir. I've had it up to here with the stress, the long hours, and bad pay. I'm a house of cards that's just about to collapse.... more»
How Could I Get My Wife's Funeral So Wrong?

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | Commentary

Oh God, I never meant for it to turn out this way. All I wanted to do was give my beloved wife of 26 years a sincere and meaningful goodbye. She was... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | Horoscopes

You'll be allowed one last transcendently happy, almost unbearably beautiful thought the moment before the red-hot fishhooks hit your groin. more»
New Stop-Smoking Aids

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | Infographic

Over-the-counter stop-smoking aids like Nicorette gum and Nicotrol patches are more popular than ever. What are some of the newest prodcuts on the... more»
Top Rent-To-Own Items

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | Statshot
Consumption Tax Proposed

issue 4110 | 03.09.05 | What Do You Think?

Last week, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said a consumption tax, such as a national sales tax, could benefit the nation's economy. What do... more»